verlies

i'm about to go home right now. i am in the library and i just spent a little bit of time looking through my old posts on here. i am listening to Stravinsky's Elegy for solo viola.

so much has changed. everything is always changing, and in my world i am changing the most. the way i see my parents, my friends, myself. i am forgetting essential beautiful things in return for newness and unfamiliarity and i'm not sure if i like it.

it is autumn and the leaves are finally changing their colors and falling onto the ground. i walk to school nearly every morning crunching all the leaves beneath my feet and it is one of the great joys of my life. i have only several articles of clothing that i wear to simplify everything. i try to clear my mind and my life from all that is unnecessary. i love laying on the floor listening to music through the dream machine. drifting away and blocking out all sound that i do not wish to hear. blah blah blah

i started playing some video games (nothing serious) but it really really doesn't come naturally to me. i have started drinking wine occasionally, but i don't really have a preference for white or red. it all tastes quite bad to me honestly. except this one new zealand wine i had that is called massimo i think and it tasted like the most exotic beautiful fruits in the world. i tried pho for the first time and it was pretty glorious. i play tennis and soccer and go on long walks and enjoy the beautiful town i live in. i try to call my parents frequently and tell them i am thinking about them.

i have one really amazing professor who has probably taught me the most in her little weekly 30-minute lessons out of any teacher i have ever had in my life. she knows exactly what is needed, what i need to give, and articulates it very clearly. for next week i have to learn perfectly an artsong by Strauss and be able to explain to her why i am making the artistic decisions i am with the shapes, the phrases. she wants me to prove to her that i can be an artist with any piece of music, that i can be inspired from the very beginning to create beauty with my work and my body. i become disconnected too easily and she can sense that.

/

exclusive limited listening

slint - spiderland
unwound - leaves turn inside you
lowercase - discography
aspidistrafly - a little fable
at the drive-in - relationship of command
la dispute - somewhere at the bottom of the river ...

listening on repeat during long bus rides

american football - "stay home"




béla bartók - four dirges, op. 9a



fishmans - long season



dmitri kabalevsky - cello concerto no. 1, II

morning sun rays

i have started to realize something :

HUMAN NATURE

IS

EVERYTHING

i am human, everyone is human, and we behave according to our desperate attempts to make life tolerable and meaningful. we would be cripplingly confused, otherwise. i want to be so angry at people for hurting me, for making me feel small. i want to be so angry at myself for disappointing myself on a regular basis, failing to do what i set out to do, making consistent mistakes, avoiding things out of fear. i cannot let myself. it would be utterly meaningless. those who have hurt me are no greater than i, no more enlightened, in the end ... so why villify them. we would all make the same mistakes and do the same terrible things but also wonderful things in a million different circumstances. we can only be alive for the unfolding of one historical line but there are infinite potential histories, decisions, thoughts that could influence centuries of progress down the road. i must allow for the mistakes of human nature, the blunders and the victories, the little ones too, of myself and those around me. i must accept myself, my actions. i am only me and this only LIFE, whatever that is. a long continuous process of growth, expansion, etc.

i want to forgive, ultimately

rain words

i want to make french toast for myself, coffee, berries and cheese and butter. place the simple objects on a simple placemat at a simple table on a porch. a porch that overlooks a landscape of the most basic earth design. grass, trees, sky. green green blue. some clouds, a little sunlight, a gentle breeze.

and animals.

birds of every color going about their unimaginable business, wanting to be left alone. their life cycles and behaviors are a complete mystery to me. little bugs living a life five thousand times smaller than me. i am the giant that haunts their dreams.

the taste of my food is similar to that of cardboard, with some sugar on top. closing my eyes i am reminded of all the places i have eaten this very same food before, in completely different lifetimes. my mind wanders.

i am wearing the most fundamental garments of humanity; shirt, shorts, socks, sneakers. all of an easily forgettable color. my hair and skin blend with each other, indistinguishable from one another. my eyes are slits in skin through which i am able to imbibe the world.

sounds and sounds and sounds fill my ears, holes in the side of my head that act as the miraculous entrances to a fleshy inner world. sounds as luxurious as silk, fine and grainy as sand, soft and bubbly like soap or gentle and sensual as rain drops on fine skin surface, warm and woolen like mittens, cold and icy as snow branches, sharp and piercing as broken glass, rough as a cat's tongue, hot as the candle with which i burned myself as a child. i dance to all of these sounds, these sensations, these beautiful feelings for which i am eternally indebted the world.

blue and goldyellow and hot orange and meadow green and flowers of pink and white and translucent non-colors, see-through satin buds and silver auras around embryos that tickle your eyelashes. dandelions and snowflakes mingle in summerwinter and the newfound firewater burns pleasure within me. this is the world. these mountains and hills and forests and oceans and rocks and blades of grass, dark sticky mud that absorbs all, white sand that invites me to it's depths until i suffocate and die.

.

no, you do not die.

you can never die.

you were always dead.

death is life and life is death.

the world cares not for this very human distinction

i don't know what

life is anymore. a cycle of loss and losing, people coming and going, loving me then destroying me then disappearing. i didn't want to look at this photograph but now i am, and it is all rushing back to me. i love my family, everyone who was with me from the very beginning and is still there. we are all going through this together, falling off cliffs and then trying to rebuild.

how cruel

slow moving trains

I said kiss me, you're beautiful, these are truly the last days. You grabbed my hand and we fell into it. Like a daydream, or a fever.

. . .

time is relentlessly and endlessly slipping through your fingers. i thought i told you this. you let your life pass you by so easily, carelessly, thoughtlessly. this moment, right now, is the only thing you can ever truly have and be sure of it. there is no more to life than your present. the past and the future are nonexistent entities in the mind.

i have always tried my hardest to let you know that i am here for you. i care, i am willing to listen. i would sacrifice anything to make you smile, to hold your hand and help transfer warmth to your body from mine, to share any part of me with you.

you do not value that. you do not want any part of me present anywhere.

i wish i could sign off of life indefinitely and deactivate myself, make myself unreachable by all things, distance myself so far from the closest familiarity that i forget what it feels like

disappointment. every try is an empty end.

. . .

listening to Godspeed You! Black Emperor these days. there are echoes and hollow spaces and secret corners and shimmery feedback and wailing twilight trains rolling down the line and empty grass fields with towers antennas lights and ruins

the world grows back over humans and only our hideous reflections remain

highways to nowhere

"Bleak, Uncertain, Beautiful..." (F# A# ∞) 8:20
"Gathering Storm" (Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven) 20:40

. . .

me, me, me, me they will lead far away from the country

laying in the golden field that exists in the back of my consciousness. my very own end of the world.

. . .

maybe in debussy there is the only beauty i have really found in this world.



whole tone and hexatonic scales. modes and their transpositions. interval patterns and scale collections. the universe contained in sprawling arrangements of notes and lines

String Quartet
Proses lyriques
Sarabande
La damoiselle élue
Préludes

Debussy existed before Debussy. It is an architecture which moves upside down in water, clouds which form and disperse, branches which slumber, rain on the leaves, plums which in falling kill themselves and bleed gold - everything that only murmured or stammered before a human voice came to give it expression. A thousand vague marvels at last found their interpreter.

- Jean Cocteau

. . .

going to keep climbing the mountain. will you be the sherpa to help guide me to the summit, to bear the burden of those things which i cannot bear alone? my pains, troubles, thoughts, whimsical ideas and desires. i imagine you following me from base camp onwards, sleeping beside me in the tent covered in your wools and furs, shielding me from blistering cold winds. your face is warm and shiny and red and i feel filled up the second i look at you. when i die, you will hold me and lay me to rest with care as if you were a child holding a baby lamb. you will guard my space in the ground forever, and i will be welcomed back by the dirt and earth which i loved so much in life

thank you for being the self i couldn't be alone

vide

b o r i s

at last

~

i saw them last night and had the time of my life. they played with such calm, but an unrestrainable energy broiled right underneath the surface of their massive and loud vibrating noise. i was filled with this energy and could feel it seeping through my veins as i watched, it was a spiritual experience fueled simply by sound. their amplifiers stood monolithic behind the ghostly silhouettes of their bodies tethered to the ground only by guitars and drums. multicolored smoke filled the dark room and obscured the details of reality, all i could see before me were three dark figures, blasting me onto other planes of existence with sounds that resonated through every cell i possess. i have never felt so swept up with emotion and energy in my life; all at once youthful and reckless, completely rebellious and ridiculous, as beautiful as the most ancient of wonders on earth and as open as the heart of that which is completely at peace. i left with the desire to go back night after night and be bathed, numbed in their reverberating waves of sound for eternity.

it was pretty amazing, let's just leave it at that.

~

at the drive-in: relationship of command



mamoru fujieda (藤枝守): patterns of plants



boris: everything





i'm sorry, but i don't trust you.
i'm sorry, but i have to go.

i turn 21 in a week oh jesus god please why everyone i used to care about is completely gone isn't it weird how so many people that used to be included in my life are now nowhere to be found as if they were wiped off the face of the earth why the fuck

~

i let my body accumulate goosebumps and i run my fingers over exposed flesh cold and hard but also soft and warm is anything really being accomplished outside of the time i am gathering in my arms and holding onto dearly, grudgingly, taking up my burden to bear because that is how life has explained itself to me. an impossibly long episode of gaining time, monotonous like the eerily perfect ticking of a clock eyes staring at me from a white wall, gazing fixed gaze soulless like the masses who surround me without my consent

~

you left me like you didn't leave all the others i am alone and you see me through perfectly clear glass and my condition is known to you. unsurprisingly time moves relentlessly onward and cells renew themselves fast and slow, ebb and flow, my body is not the same body you touched but you are the same shell i grope for in the night when the lights are off and i cannot find my way. your voice is permanently locked in a door always beyond my reach the echo of your last words ringing in a timeless loop i wish to make a song out of it and then smash it on the floor

~

i slide my fingers inside myself without desire but through necessity i find myself in a place that belongs to no one

~

the world is a fun fun fun slideshow in which i watch delicate fine tuned disasters occur anonymously from a dangerous distance

drunk off water

driving alone in the car quite often these days while listening to the greatest music this world has to offer, life is good. i'm seriously the happiest when i'm lost completely in music



so my absolute favorite album or thing in the entire world right now is this album:

LOWERCASE - kill the lights (1997)


i'm not even sure which track out of the six to share with you, each one is absolutely amazingly perfect. "slightly dazed" used to be my favorite but i think it's being overtaken by "neurasthenia" and "rare anger." i can't choose a favorite, but i will just share "slightly dazed" with you now because it is what got me hooked on this album.

"rock" music from a methodical and drone-y perspective, inspired by the likes of slint but poetically dissonant and discordant and immersive. intense. i can't think of any real comparisons. i was also obsessed with their 1999 album the going away present for a while, too, but i'm giving all of my attention nowadays to this one.

and my favorite track off of the going away present, "floodlit"

the lyrics are seriously amazing, ugh. the music fits the climactic moment so well. the chord progression might be "simple" but it's not even about being complex at all. there is a driving intensity and relentless energy that manifests itself, the lyrics and vocals only enhance this long drawn out cry of emotion or whatever. ;;

wouldn't I stand over the ocean
wouldn't I drown my soul
in the tide of your own tongue
and swallow you up whole
and the numbness that gripped me senseless
when I first tasted your kiss
has all but still remained
and it might rise slowly
but its always known that it overflows
and it subsides only when you let me go


so, more music that i've been absolutely loving lately.

SAETIA - a retrospective (2001)



this band has somehow completely eluded me for 20 long years, but no more. this album is a compilation of all their recorded songs plus some live tracks. it was also hard for me to choose my favorite song off of this to share, because there are a few i have to listen to in order or one after another because they just work that way. here are two tho

"the burden of reflecting"

"closed hands"

closed hands
open arms
hold nothing


MALADY - malady (2004)



this was the only album malady ever released, it's screamo/post-hardcore etc etc but i really enjoy it~ here's ONE of my favorite tracks off the album.

"heroine"

LIL UGLY MANE


"ethics" off of this

"Success is not a triumph but a necessity. Otherwise, what story would one have to tell? There's no mistaking it. You are only rewarded for the risks you are prepared to take. Once out of context, actions become indefinable. Any will power or ambition that is brought to bear is arbitrary. There are no external, urgent necessities to justify choices of profession, hobbies, or partners; no force or coercion to render life evident. Thus, everything must come from within."

+

and then for a completely random guilty pleasure of sorts... i really like this song, the beat, even the video. i dunno.



things to listen to:

- john fahey
- ryuichi sakamoto
- built to spill
- elodie
- actress
- dj skrew

et alors

lost gray pictures of my past stain greener pastures of my future

so i've been making lifestyle changes, guess i'm seeing improvement or feeling it rather

these are some weird days man i'm telling you what
it's like the height of summer and i've just been straight chillin
don't even notice time passing by
some days i get barely any sleep
some days i spend all day in bed
some days i never see the sun
some days i am covered in sweat and i never want to go inside
some days i feel lonely
but most days i make myself laugh and smile randomly

when i'm high i can't stop giggling
and then when i'm not high i still can't stop laughing thinking of what i laughed at while high
hard to explain
people's faces become hilarious parodies of themselves
the choice things people say become so goddamn funny to me
everything feels so surreal
and i can't tell if i'm the one in charge of my life or what

[]

wrote a song that i really really love. it was all recorded in one take and if i had the recording technology i would have expanded on it and made it longer or something. i was thinking of a certain person when making up the words but it's so dumb because they aren't even that same person anymore



V LISTEN TO THIS ALL DAY EVERY DAY, I'M SERIOUS V

rêverie

i live in

a cabin of isolation in my heart

away from gross leaderboards of who's prettier or cooler
or who has the curviest hips or the thinnest waist
the tightest pussy or the most symmetrical face
the most interesting the most informed
the most talented the most conformed

away from the destructive tendrils of a worthless, doomed culture

an empty bliss beyond this world

-

i want to cut off the part of me that uses and is used
the flesh
the skin that humans are so stupid and crazed about

if only the dumb animals could see that we are just dust and bones
underneath it all

¯\_( ツ)_/¯

i'm going to ganymede to create a new way of life for myself
there will be homemade music and vodka
who's coming

音楽

isao tomita - "daphnis et chloé suite" (ravel)



isao tomita is a japanese composer and arranger for electronic instruments. he has released arrangements of debussy préludes, ravel's orchestral works, mussorgsky's pictures at an exhibition, holst's planets, and many other things - space-related and classical music alike. this track is from the ravel album (1979), which contains various ravel pieces... this one is my favorite arrangement, i think. the first time i heard it i was literally dumbfounded, i mean, i couldn't move - i could only absorb the amazing beauty that was tomita. his artistic genius is only rivaled by the perfection of ravel and his ballet daphnis et chloé. you will be amazed at not only the beauty of ravel's music, but also the sheer ARTISTRY (i can't think of a different or better word) for what tomita presents us here. he must have spent so much fucking time figuring out how best to orchestrate the different instruments, using only a Moog analog synthesizer. there are sounds here you didn't even know existed, some of them sound kind of wacky, but i swear to god, it is the most lovely thing i have ever heard.

isao tomita - "footprints in the snow" (debussy)



here is a prélude from his debussy album, snowflakes are dancing (1974)
so soft

unwound - "disappoint" / "feeling$ real"



i started listening to unwounda whole lot recently, probably the entire past three months. i started out listening to only leaves turn inside you, which is a perfect album, but i eventually got their entire discography and went through it. i came across this album, their fourth or fifth full-length or something, the future of what (1995). i found it to be incredibly visceral and intense and surreal, i got fucking addicted. this track absolutely kills.

i never want to dive inside this heart of mine
having no idea
whatever happened to...

and then this track... words can't describe it's power. it's the last track on their first album (not self-released), fake train (1993). this entire album is SO. GOOD. seriously, listen to it NOW!!!!!! (if you have good taste, that is).

feelings real
they say we're not for real
WE'LL SHOW THEM HOW WE FEEEEEEEELL

suis la lune - "with wings of feathers & glue" / "one and all, every bit"



suis la lune is a post-hardcore/screamo band from Stockholm, Sweden. i know what you're thinking when you hear the word "screamo" but trust me, this is nothing like that. they are really seriously moving and their music is genuinely very good. the lyrics, the vocals (best screaming voice), the guitars and bass and drums and melodic lines and emotional content - it's so perfect for blasting in your car on maximum volume and drowning out everything else. this is the first track on their EP heir (2008). the whole release is only about 15 minutes long, but listening to it is like the best 15 minutes you could ever possibly spend.

this track might strike some as overly emotional or something, but it really spoke to me when i first heard it. the lyrics seem to have come from my own damn mind. it's the final track on their album riala (2013).

(edited)

first time i saw you,
my heart skipped a beat
first time i held your hand,
i shaked like a leaf

and for each day that goes we drift further
i think i'm losing what i used to be
i think i'm losing my personality
and for each day that goes we drift further
you should never see this side of me
i don't want you to see what i turned out to be

this is the last day i will look you in the eyes
tomorrow won't be the day you will see what i wished to be

i can still see you on the shore
i keep drifting further from you
and i watch you as i'm floating

dj rashad - "drank, kush, barz (feat. Spinn)"



R.I.P. rashad.
i think this track showcases his amazing skills quite well, plus it's hella catchy
let's dance
double cup (2013)

boris - "heavy rain"



here's a track from japanese noise rock band boris's newest album, noise (2014). i like it a lot, and the album's not bad either. i'm seeing them in august!

-

plus en plus

-

susumu yokota - grinning cat (2001)



i've been really into susumu yokota (横田進) lately. his album love or die as well as this one. he is really innovative and imaginative and makes the most beautiful things ever. i was listening to this album at work the other day and heard something, @24:21 yokota actually samples an excerpt from Ravel's piano piece "Oiseaux tristes" ("sad birds") from Miroirs as well as the "Minuet" from Sonatine. amazing how he utilized those beautiful few seconds to make something even more beautiful and interesting out of it :'3 god i love cool people

speaking of cool people, i've been hanging out with a few lately who really inspire me. it's so refreshing to have friends that will actually make me feel excited about life as opposed to doomed. it's also refreshing to not have school to worry about, to be secure and feel safe about at least one thing in my life - that i am doing pretty okay. having fun and going outside a satisfactory amount. one problem, though, is that i keep getting hurt by the same person instead of simply removing them from my life because i feel like i need them. looks like the obvious choice is to get rid of them, for better or for worse.

i try not to ever think about people from the past, they might as well be dead since they are no longer present in my life anymore ...

i can't force you to care, but i can force you out! bye!


For the Other Self Who is Far Away That I Can Not Reach  

✿

 

MORE RANDOM THINGS

- the caretaker
- teaching piano lessons

- going to the park and swinging kids on the merry-go-round

- playing simple piano pieces

- bach inventions, chopin waltzes, etudes and exercises from when i was a kid

- really old out of tune upright pianos

- ramen with green onions

- abandoned golf courses with really expensive green grass

- streetlamps

- driving alone at night

- singing along with Björk

- almond milk

- going to the pool

- late night chill techno

- sleeping all day

- construction sites

- crossing the road by myself

- driving in a 2014 bmw with my boss

- never actually writing the letters that i compose in my head

- short sleeve button up shirts

- tiny kittens that bite your fingers but it doesn't hurt it's only so cute you think you might die

- actually having a savings account with money in it

- re-connecting with old buddies

- getting introduced to new buddies

- la musique

mirror in mirror

"für alina" by arvo pärt is the landscape of my mind tonight. searching for an answer in simple steps, upwards and to both sides and in place. behind. in front. down. out. in. lower, higher, slower, faster, quieter louder soft graceful peaceful harsh meditative pensive unsure undoubtedly grateful proud broken whole

arrêt

the wrath of god

i am a vessel for words to hide in. i am ears to soak in all your stories, a bed for your tired soul to rest. where does my body go off to when i take yours in for the night, i wonder?

0

my eyes were closed not two seconds ago, and i was in your arms. i wish i had never opened them. you barely spoke to me, like i was the one imposing on your dream world, my existence too intricate or real for your brain to have created me. you hate how real i am, how much i yearn to feel and create and devour. it repulses you that i have even the capacity to desire you, to desire desire, that unending spiral of unfulfillment

1


a true love is there somewhere and i am excited for it and i think about it all the time and i desire it and i fantasize about it and i fill my dreams up with it and i want it now

//

miserere

In my dark hours, I have the certain feeling that everything outside this one thing has no meaning. The complex and many-faceted only confuses me, and I must search for unity. What is it, this one thing, and how do I find my way to it? Traces of this perfect thing appear in many guises - and everything that is unimportant falls away.

i mourn you

music that makes the soul ache. music that bursts through me like the most confrontational revelation of truth, leaving my physicality vulnerable and unable to withstand the force.

björk is the most beautiful lady i ever did see, i could just stare at her forever. but i also would love to spend a day with her just getting to know her and hear her speak about music and her passions and feelings. i want to experience a fraction of the brainwaves and heart pulses that blissfully persist inside of her

play dead

i feel like i'm about to discover something life-changing. i have felt like this for quite a while actually, and every day is a step closer to this giant event. every interaction that inspires me and every attempt at progressing within myself is energy being stored somewhere, by something, for some reason. at least that's what i tell myself.

what will happen once i have cracked the case and found what i have been searching for, a thing that i couldn't even describe in the most general details, a thing that surpasses my comprehensive abilities? it's impossible to say exactly, but the vast potential fills me with excitement and hope. i am not merely waiting and letting life wash over me in sheets of dull colors and sounds. waiting is for the defeated, the deaf and dumb, the weak.

n.b. this thing i am referring to has something to do with la musique

all of these WORDS

GOD DAMN IT

they will be the death of me

//

the older i get the more hopeless i find myself feeling. it's not a general throbbing hopelessness that comes and goes but rather a raw, constant, persistent ghost haunting the space behind and between every distraction. i don't mind it, it has sort of adopted the form of a shadow that follows me around in the sunlight. it needs to get some fresh air sometimes.

i'm not depressed, i just think very hard about things. i am always putting everything in my life in very precise perspective, considering options, weighing them, dwelling and musing, mentally wandering and harshly analyzing. free to roam eternally inside of this cage.

i need to get more sleep. i don't know why i torture myself by depriving my body of the best feeling known to humankind

\\

music;

that which exists inside of me and has always been with me

that which gives me life, breath, force, light, strength

manifesting itself in everything that i do, every thought i think

its existence is completely separate from the world in which i interact with people, where my emotions get the better of me, where i am bound by social constructs (ETCETERA);

and i love it. i genuinely adore my musical self. it is the most genuine part of me

?

::

some of the things i've been floating to lately

joanna newsom - "no provenance" (have one on me, 2010)



arthur russel - "being it" (world of echo, 1986)


  mica levi - "love" (under the skin OST, 2014)



asylum party - "sweetness... of pain" (borderline, 1989)



dj rashad (rip) - "i don't give a fuck" (i don't give a fuck EP, 2013)



salem - "trapdoor" (random shit idk)

-

it's weird that i don't feel anything anymore when i think of you. does it mean something has died, or has it just transformed and is now undetectable, hidden, buried? so much effort to get to this point and yet there is no applause, only a vast silence like a deserted pool. the bland elevator doors have opened at last and i'm stepping out into a new world. one could say it is vibrant and full of possibility. plenty of fish in the sea and all of that. i'm not really getting that vibe, however. i feel like i've trudged through an arctic wasteland, my limbs sore and raw and weak. i just want to lay down and gather strength from the elements. i don't desire the touch of anyone, or anything. i feel like some kinda graveyard. who will come trim the hedges around these dead remnants while i lay still, soaking up sunlight and gasping in huge breathfuls of air? when will this comical slideshow of you and your body finish its parade inside my head so i can go home to my bed?

a kid

all of the myths have been dispelled, mysteries unraveled, moments unlived and feelings untouched;

you fuckers have all disappointed me,
every last one of you.

wandering like a child in the forests of maturity

it is spring time, or the beginnings of it, and i am inspired by the dark and wet green-ness of earth. i huddle under my umbrella and the world to me is suddenly only as high as my waist, my feet the inhabitants of a half-world that exists close to the ground. i want to be the tiny lifeforms surviving underneath dripping four-leaf clovers and hiding in hollows of trees, i want to feel particles of dust and dirt trample underneath my tiny legs as i fulfill my evolutionary purpose. my life cycle will end with the night and begin again with the sun, each day bright and new and smelling of purity.

what else inspires me? the warming up of the air around me, the warming up of icy souls and stony faces, the "idea of north" inside of me looming ever closer until its northness is no longer so foreign? i desire to no longer be an alien within my self, i long for complete dominion over all of the seasons that rage inside me simultaneously.

i feel so alone.

quo vadis?

laying beside a strange body in a dirty white room, shivering in the lamplight. a seed of fear is planted inside me

i suppress it in return for kisses

empty

-

the past two months have been probably the roughest on me emotionally that i can remember ever happening in my entire life. every day felt like a new struggle to overcome, and i let my heart (break) more than once. instead of protecting myself i took risks that ended up hurting me because i thought, why not? i thought maybe if i was doing something, anything, other than accumulating lonely minutes in a lonely room, it would all be worth it eventually, it would all add up to a fuller life experience than if i hadn't made those bad decisions. wrong.

to boys:

you will never make me cry again. i am worth so much more than a momentary opportunity for you to mess around, especially if you don't even try to get to know me. i feel like i am still at the emotional level of a high school-aged person in terms of meeting new people, having crushes, falling in lust and experiencing infatuation and jealousy. my attempts at reconnecting with people have been met with dead ends, false hope, and of course a pressure behind the eyes that produces pinpricks of salty liquid which invariably stream down the cheeks.

all is full of love - i've realized that love doesn't have to be contained within a conventional romantic relationship where there are strict boundaries for both individuals,  because i don't want that. i don't want something "serious" and "committed" because just thinking about that makes some invisible grip on my neck feel tighter. the love that i encompass, the pure love for no one and nothing in particular, is full of sacrifice and heartbreak, but definitely strong enough to withstand and carry on despite what is flung at it by the indifference, violence and clumsy brutishness of those who have dared to hurt me.

i don't want to love in the way that you have defined it. i'd rather live a loveless life than subscribe to your coldhearted and almost disgusting display of love. for me, it is the breath in my lungs, the pulse in my veins, the glow and the spirit and the whole entire reason. that's it. it's the reason. you are a pathetic and miserable disgrace to love, a murderer, a destroyer of feeling. you are a sickness in me that i am finally drawing out with only the intention of destroying your stain in me forever. you are a disease that has plagued me for too long

better luck next time, my body is forever floating away from you and your knives

la plus que lente

i wish to hide away in debussy's chords, in the subtle beauty of canope, the tenth prélude in his second book. the space in between these sad, pleading harmonies envelopes me with warm and cold potentiality, woolen blankets and sheets of snow, spring's rebirth and the uncertain winds of a forthcoming winter. i see a peach sunrise and long, shadowy limbs gesturing for me to come forward, fearlessly, and embrace a golden-tinted cave of unknown depths. i must surrender myself to it.

i see a pastel blue and purple and yellow watercolored ocean surface rippling ever so impercetibly, a hazy but familiar figure sinking beneath the depths. it flashes me a final tender and knowing smile before disappearing. i fade to black as an abyss, tendrils beyond sensation and vision hold me, hold me and carry me in a womb, gentle and motherly.

i am not alone when i am nothing




"debussy seems to seek the key to the infinitely old mystery of death, of ruin, of the passing of all things, however magnificent, however vital, however tender. there is no revolt in the questioning, for the answer is lost in the infinity, in the strains of the receding processional."



les chansons

radiohead: "kid a" (kid a, 2000)
i've been listening to this song and this album almost non-stop for the past few weeks. i think every single song on it is incredible and i wouldn't change a thing. i listen to it in the car on the way to work, when i walk to school, when i try to take a nap or go to bed. i have never really listened to radiohead before, but i was laying beside someone one night and they started to play this album. we fell asleep to it, and ever since i have been addicted. i think thom yorke and the rest of the band are some of the most innovative, imaginative, and brilliant musicians that have ever lived.


bill evans: "alice in wonderland" (sunday at the village vanguard, 1961)
i recently started wanting to learn how to play jazz piano, and checked out a book at the library. it was a fake book and had this tune in it, "alice in wonderland," which i liked a lot. the suggested recording for it led me to the bill evans trio and their live album sunday... and i instantly knew i had stumbled upon something really genuine, really high quality, really timeless.


i also very much love their album waltz for debby, which was recorded and released right around the same time as the live album. here is the entire album, but i love the very first track "my foolish heart" the most.

this album is just the most sensuous and beautiful and lovely thing i have ever heard, so delicate and emotional and pretty. it reminds me a lot of satie and debussy, especially the childlike and playfulness of the title track "waltz for debby." the cover is also very evocative of some perfect pink innocence somewhere, a heaven of untouched loveliness and grace, and this inspires me. murakami references the album in one of his novels i think.

i imagine laying on a dirty bed in a dorm room, posters of jazz greats plastered all over the wall, a cigarette between my lips, and the sweet sounds of bill evans' classical-inspired melodies and improvisations floating in and out of my ear holes, lulling me into a state of undeserved, enervating luxury.


-

so yes, jazz has been on my mind a lot lately. i don't know if i should link everything here, there is altogether too much out there to ever delve into everything satisfactorily, but one can try. i think i am more attracted to piano-based trios and such, like dave brubeck, bill evans and thelonious monk. i like some bebop, cool jazz, hardbop, and other things like that, but it's not as accessible for me. i like the atmospheric, sometimes avant-garde and sometimes neoclassical sides of jazz. i like strange harmonies but can't always hear them very well when it's just a brass or reed instrument playing a fast solo... unless it's charlie parker.

anyway, here are some of my favorite jazz pieces/albums of all time, not based on anything other than personal preference.

-

charles mingus: "group dancers" (the black saint and sinner lady, 1963)


clifford jordan quartet: "john coltrane" (glass bead games, 1973)


thelonious monk: monk's dream, 1963



billie holiday: "body and soul" (body and soul, 1957)


charles mingus: "praying with eric"/"meditations on integration" (town hall concert, 1964)
this track was sort of a farewell piece for the amazing multi-instrumentalist eric dolphy, who has a great experimental jazz album called out to lunch, because he was leaving mingus' band. dolphy plays the alto sax, bass clarinet, and flute on this recording, which i'm sure sounds unlike any jazz you've ever heard. ahhh such unimaginable beauty, especially around 6:00 with the flute and piano duo. charles mingus is perfection in any medium, anywhere, always and always.


-

i went to a coffee shop with my beloved sister  a few days ago and found a poem there. i wrote it down on a napkin for some reason, i just really liked it.

Thinking has caused more pain
than all the tears on earth,
collected up at every step
and drunk down to drying point.
Is there anything at all bigger?

Any kind of activity
merely wastes my time,
and its bitter-sweet fruit
is crushed here underfoot.

As if homeless
I have nowhere to sleep.
I miss love
in a warm, safe place
that I can always return to.

All sense has left the road.
Spurned, I wait for mercy.
It's possible to be or not to be.
What is better?

-

me playing radiohead n talkin :o


-

myself when i am real

град

every inch of me is full of pain
you should've come over
my broken bones can smell the rain
and they're aching to take cover

and the rain
i wanna come down fast like kisses on my skin
but it passed me by
and it left me dry

lover, you should've come over

-

jeff buckley has entered the brain space and is taking over my mental processes. i find his voice to be angelic, his musical abilities and poetry highly inspiring, his face strangely familiar.we both share an endearing love for rain. it makes me want to curl up under warm blankets, the only place i think i can ever really find myself and be alone with my thoughts.

it makes me want to feel very real, physical sensations. sweat dripping on clammy cold skin, heart racing after making love or running from something scary at night. consuming lots of food until you're incredibly full. touching new, unfamiliar skin. laughs that make you double over and hyperventilate. your center being filling up with the warmest possible feeling...hope. electric nerve shocks, shivers, yummy rubbing feet and scratching palms feelings. or just giving yourself a big hug. yep.



-

to formulate thoughts about another person
thoughts that have nothing to do with who they really are
but only the reflection that is shown to you

-

it was valentine's day yesterday. the sensation of being alone felt stronger and perhaps more real/crushing than on other days. thankfully it's over. not actually expressing true gratitude.

it's been snowing very much lately. i watched the snow and felt it fall on my skin, clothes, hair. i watched it envelop entire towns and change the course of people's days, and lives. i experimented with pushing myself to the limits of my capabilities. when it snows nothing is the same, and nothing matters. days are stretched out beyond the usual. there is no school and there are no rules and no one gives a fuck. blood runs freely from invisible wounds.

i have so many things that must somehow be completed within a certain time frame. musical endeavors and school work and important grown up things. who is pushing this agenda on me, i wonder? what will happen to me if i don't complete everything adequately? am i gonna esssplode?

playing the guitar, dissatisfied. playing chess and smiling, though no smiles are given in return. wonder. rejecting coffee because it affects me too strongly. tea is a better substitute. music that makes me slow dance in the gray snow light. warm rooms full of distant people. distant in the sense that despite being physically close we are islands away from one another. strange sensations that lack definite meaning. the decisions that produce these sensations. hazy, lost, gone. riddles about silence and gardens. not letting the smoke of a cigarette enter my lungs. hibernation vibes. living in a house with transparent figures who might not exist. the quickening of pulse and sudden absence of reason because of a single glance or the blurry suggestion of an outline. heavy, crushing disappointment. jazz music and seeing slightly familiar faces. superiority. feeling at home in a place that is not home. dot art on napkins. being able to sleep heavily when it is not necessary. unimaginable kindness in unexpected ways. inebriation and the ability to be someone else. japanese people on a train to memphis. sounds of water rippling, crickets chirping and a conversation in german and french. post-apocalyptic airports where there are no humans. buildings devoid of life, existing only as monuments to the past. ballroom music blares over a speaker somewhere.

there is no one around to dance.


fall asleep to this every night


4:30:25, 5:36:34, 7:20:27, 7:45:43 (♥), 8:58:03, 9:34:44, 9:57:46


man is to man a ghost


-

who are you?
what does your presence/absence in my life mean?

where are you now?

-

asking myself the same questions over and over
i can look to no one else for guidance
we are all asking ourselves the same questions
 
i do no claim to know anything
or believe anything

i just can't


i don't believe in humans

R U Still In 2 It

this song perfectly encapsulates everything i feel/felt/have ever felt. it used to make me physically sick to hear. sensation has subsided, however. numbness ..



are you still into it? 'cause i'm still into it
we haven't had sore bits for about a fortnight
am i your only one? 'cause you're still my only one
but if you need more, i'll just do it and some, right

we should go into town and spend some money
we could go to the pictures and see something funny
we'd share a popcorn and we can go to the pub at night
we can get right tanked up and go home and have a fight

will you still miss me, when i'm gone?
is there love there, even when i'm wrong?
will you still kiss me, if you find out?
i will now leave you but don't follow me

we could go into town and spend some money
we could go to the pictures, go and see something funny
share a popcorn and when it's finished we could go to the pub at night
and get right pissed and go home and have a fight

will you miss me, when i'm gone?
is there love there, even when I'm wrong?
will you still kiss me, if you find out?
i will leave you and i will miss you

the sun is far away

reminds me of the first night we were together. driving in the dark along backroads out in the middle of nowhere. searching for a place to stay and give ourselves to each other. driving to find somewhere to eat at 3 in the morning. hot chocolate and pancakes. the feeling i'd get when you would leave and it would be weeks or months before i saw you again.

i am hurting. what i felt with you was more intense than any other feeling i've ever experienced, even more than the feeling of being alive. you made being alive feel worth it. even when i was sad i always knew there was something to look forward to in life. going out late at night to get ice cream or whatever. coming back home and knowing there is no one else on earth you need. best friends. i thought it would last forever.

hearing you tell me you don't love me anymore to my face, and watching you look at me and treat me like a stranger.. words can't describe that pain. you might as well have stabbed me in the heart you know? i honestly thought you would embrace me and tell me you missed me. delusional. i honestly thought that seeing me cry would make you feel something. it's like i am dead to you. a dead memory.

i am not dead though, i am violently alive and i know that my love was bigger than the entire universe. it was massive, a huge love. while i was with you i memorized your body, your smell, your voice, your habits, and kept all of those things precious and safe. i even drove 5 hours cross-country at risk to follow my heart's desires, twice. you can call me crazy, but what else is there in life if you can't sacrifice everything for something you believe in.

that love is not a weakness. it is not a fault of mine. being able to feel like that is the most beautiful thing life has given me, it's overwhelming and painful and everything.

you crushed it with every ounce of strength you had.

good bye

someone dies

i am home right now.
familiar four walls and lamp lights encircle me.
involuntarily pushing glasses up my nose.
my hair is wet and my eyes are tired.
listening to all of my favorite music.
struggling to be warm in the season of cold and ice and death.
i dream of talking dogs and long train rides.
staring out of windows for inordinate periods of time.
many letters gone unsent, unread, with no anticipating responses.
voices screaming in my head in unison but with different resonances and meanings.
beds that i do not desire to sleep in call to me.

a sleeping piglet with soft downy hair and gentle inhalations, its little pink body resting beside my head on the pillow, breathes with complete trust in me and the elements that it will wake up and it will be okay.

i want someone to look down on me with affection while i rest and i want their hand to flick the hair out of my eyes. i want a warm loving gesture to pull the blanket up around my shoulders in the depths of night. a watchful presence that cares unconditionally. a shadow of the desire in me that has been awoken but not reciprocated by anything else on earth. a shadow that has no shadow.

-


-

wants;

i want to live in a minimally decorated space and grow plants, raise puppies and babies, play music and read books and make food and fuck my brains out and study constellations and stare at a shiny metal box for hours at a time. i'll brush my teeth and comb my hair as my mind wanders, half awake and half asleep. actions this body knows it must undertake for the sake of their completion. the end goal is no longer in focus, if it ever was that is.

do you remember that first kiss. that first touch of hands and that first spark of feeling deep in your essence. a fire that is born out of pure longing. my lower abdomen melts and my fingertips glow. my lips are no longer my lips but the finely-tuned parts of a giant fleshy machine that aches and throbs, its programming requiring it to desperately try and fill its cavernous depths with warm glowing liquid. a heavy scent that arises only from a steaming bath somewhere in the darkness. exotic and sensual and deadly.

i even remember the feel of the sheets, the carpet, the hardwood floor, the mirrors i stared into countless times, the distant sounds of TVs and toilets flushing and reggae music and lungs coughing and snoring. hugging your arm while you drove us to a place, any place. the texture of your hair. the wrinkles of your hands. waiting in anticipation for you to come home to me. folding your clothes at the foot of the bed. the cracked tile shower walls and ancient wallpaper. the perfect warm darkness we slept beneath every night. hearing you breathe. why did i not try harder to experience that reality with every sense working at maximum potential. why did i glide so easily past you in my life that only painful and physical things now remain. why is there a you-shaped hole burning through me. a vacuum that surroundings melt around as if your body was completely invisible energy, sucking all life around it into a giant evil stomach.

did you even exist

-

Mogwai - "Take Me Somewhere Nice"


^ i've listened to this song countless times while driving, recently. it is really the perfect depressive music. sometimes pain is the only way to get through pain... i guess?

someone lives

LIFE OF ALLIE, CURRENT:

- the angelic process, we all die laughing, (+ discography)
- mogwai, everything (CODY <333, rock action, young team)
- rachmaninoff, various Études-tableaux
- mozart, piano sonata no. 13 (Gould)
- tchaikovsky's first piano concerto (currently learning)
- bach, goldberg variations (gould, 1955 recording)
- reading Norwegian Wood again! it is the only book that actually ever mattered to me. it has defined me in some ways. every character has a place in my life within someone i know, including myself (if that makes any sense).
- modern Japanese female haikus
- not wanting to be close to people
- walking on train tracks over bridges
- finding that i have a strange but very strong and powerful affinity for really tall radio towers (especially when i am in close proximity to them)
- giles corey s/t
- summoning, "long way to where no pathway goes" is the greatest song on earth
- people-watching for the sake of just studying their behaviors, fashion, patterns in appearances and such
- driving around randomly listening to really loud music and dancing at all the red lights
- having to sneeze all the time
- mochi

in pain

-

mundane things about the physical world
about your world
i want to share them with you
more than anything

 i want to watch the snow with you,
please

i want to take care of you...

you are no longer in my reach