quand une chanson me touche . a love letter

i'm gonna tell you something personal. not like i haven't done so already.

if you were to enter my very soul from a backdoor, like a white porch from the garden, this song is the first thing that you would hear. it represents some configuration of desire that i feel deep in my soul. it has always been there, waiting to be awoken, and this music alerts me to the presence of something in my core that is alive. it is the soundtrack to the awakening of my true essence. pretty intense, huh?

Last night in my dream
I traveled for years and years
Galaxies, centuries
No one was there

oiseaux tristes

My darling. I'm waiting for you. How long is the day in the dark? Or a week? The fire is gone, and I'm horribly cold. I really should drag myself outside but then there'd be the sun.

We die. We die rich with lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we've entered and swum up like rivers. Fears we've hidden in - like this wretched cave.

The lamp has gone out and I'm writing in the darkness.

une barque sur l'ocean


i want to be static electricity that places my hand behind your ear and on the warmth of your neck
i want to be the space in between our lips while we inhale the same glowing air

as we breathe through each other

i want to be the hands under each others' clothes
i want to be your closed and smiling eyelashes
i want to be the skin we caress in places we cannot reach
i want to go in that secret special room in your heart

you are in everything
you fill up the previously empty spaces and wells and cracks in solid walls
uninvited, unintrusive, you stay with me
you are there

reflets dans l'eau

a wise man told me once that unconditional love is when you love someone in spite of everything. all other love is conditional, including "i love you if or because of" this or that. like familial love. you wouldn't betray any member of your family (in theory), no matter how much you can't stand them or wish they would just leave you alone forever. there is an unspoken bond in our double helixes that dictates we love each other forever, no questions asked. how beautiful is that? and i firmly believe that you can create this bond after birth with another, or allow it to be created according to your will. i think this could even be the meaning of life. to re-create that unspoken bond with someone else and make them family, make them a part of your genetic code. swim up their body, if you will. travel through each others veins at painstaking speed, each cellular wall a new and precious treasure.

i would love to go my entire life with you by my side. i am not one-fifth through with my life, i an one-fifth closer to a better life. one with meaning, purpose, dedication.

i would love to be the old couple down the street who does everything together. going to the supermarket to buy a pie we might eat two bites of, some foreign chocolate, some really strong alcohol, sparkling water and perhaps some napkins. we are gonna have a party every night. we'll take walks each and every day down nondescript streets and enjoy each others company, the weather, and whoever or whatever passes us by. this is all we will need because THIS IS LIFE! this is what our life has become, and we shall enjoy it as it happens with no what ifs, ands or buts. maybe we won't end up talking very much, but it's because we'll be like some kind of transformer that has almost completed the assimilation to its final form - we'll have attained a oneness that no one can question or judge, because it is the most natural thing in the world.

i promise i'll hold your hand every chance i get. your skin is like a drug, your touch and your emanation of pure peace in the world. no one who hasn't been in love can know the feeling that came over us as if it was second nature. we so easily cultivated something out of nothing that most people spend their whole lives trying to find. an understanding of someone else that some thought impossible in this day and age... it means the world to me to know i can feel this way about anything at all. i wish i could go to you now and bring you some flowers that smell really nice.

so many wishes

i feel as if i am praying to some sort of god. i want to be channeled into your heart, i pray that i will be connected to you by a divine operator who sees that our wires aren't properly connected. like audrey praying to agent cooper to come save her from one-eyed jack's. i just hope you can hear me, and if you can, you will listen.



god it just hurts so bad.

have you ever felt pain so enormous and so life-altering that you have no words to say to it? you are just faced with this endless black forest, you look up and see no sky, you look down and see no ground, you are floating in space and there is no trapdoor through which to escape. it's a punishment, and the worst part is you know you actually deserve it. you tell yourself that it might just be an unexpected journey, a splendid alice in wonderland type-story that you've managed to infiltrate. it will be so much fun to be lost and confused and have to dig yourself out, maybe you'll even find some help along the way. except as the time passes, slowly and slowly and slower each day, each second moving like a year, that excitement gives way to thought. pure thought, as vast as the biggest desert or field you've ever seen, as vast as the ocean view from the beach, which encapsulates your being and and from which there is NO ESCAPE. a depth of feeling so great and startling, you have no words.

upon waking

i am isolated from the one i love. i have been deserted on an island of eternity that i created for myself in a dark room somewhere long ago.

when the moon sails out
the water hides earth’s surface,
the heart feels like an island
in the infinite silence

and if suddenly

how could i have gone so long without feeling, i have to wonder. it is funny. it is the only explanation for the stark difference of what i am going through now - like night and day. maybe i have never really felt anything before now. but something is here now, and not going anywhere. i am a bruise all over and with one touch i might spiral back into a dark recess of the heart that i should have boarded up forever long ago.

i hate the word raw, because it is true. raw is a thing, and it is what i am. it is the only word to describe the past 2 years of my life, including the days i live now. raw, and new. unforgettable. unforgiveable. rawness. why am i such a sensitive ball of flesh.

the way one looks at distant things

i want to watch a miyazaki film under the covers with someone warm. i want to heal myself and my body. i want to peek through sheets at lights through blinds and feel the pure warmth of the sun on my skin. i want to be heated up from the inside out. i want to shine through every opening. i want to never close and never harden. i want to breathe and really release, really rid myself of the breath, and take in some kind of newness with each inhalation. the only constant in life is the breathing, the beating of the heart, the blinking of the eyes. simple mechanisms that define our existence. without getting fancy that is what we are - machines working in time with each other to produce life. that is comforting, i guess.

comings and goings

i am thankful for my body. i am thankful for its shape and its function. without it i would be a lost soul, and though that seems appealing, it is not what i want at this point in my life. i am thankful for my mind, and that i am aware i exist. i am thankful for the things that i touch, the air that i breathe, everything that rises up to meet me on a daily basis, for these are the things that make up my life. i am thankful for the tasks that i achieve, because these are the things that take up my time. i am thankful for the opportunity to be a speck of dust on a pinpoint of light in this universe.

no one can break my heart.


john tavener - "the protecting veil" / yo-yo ma, david zinman, baltimore symphony orchestra

aspidistrafly - "countless white moons" / a little fable


i went mourning without the sun