l'espoir du printemps

i am so damn excited for spring!

the snow still blankets my surroundings and as beautiful and nostalgic as i find it i miss the call of birds and the lush plumage of the earth's warm seasonal clothing.

sometimes i'll wander meadows and fields and beside streams and remote mountain trails. in a certain state of mind i see the flowers as competitors, or perhaps allies, in reaching high towards the sun in a stance of worship and gratitude, swaying in the breeze and for lack of a better word, singing. dancing.

it's so fascinating to see how with each week that passes during the growing season a new family of wild plants will sprout out, like clockwork. once i start noticing a flower family, like bee balm or mayapple or turk's cap, then i'll start seeing those flowers or buds everywhere, all over. they're  conspiring or programmed together to appear at the same time for miles and miles around and it's one of my most favorite activities to see and identify wild beings deep in the forest. 

she will be here soon enough, and i am awaiting the day i can put some seeds into the ground, or at least into buckets or a raised bed.

my dream for working and homesteading on a small plot of land is not fully materialized yet but is still alive and well, and keeps me thriving even when the winter snow threatens to bury me under its sluggish weight.

there is always the question of who the land belongs to - of course it was stolen, originally, and the eastern states of the US seem to have much less public land than the west, much less "wild" and untended land.

i believe that with the privilege i have to buy or even think about buying land for myself i can do some good, at least for the ecosystem, by planting natives and a food forest, maybe even learn from locals or native elders how to do controlled burning to keep some species from going extinct.

so much to learn, so much responsibility to receive and perpetuate knowledge only from those who truly have the earth's interest at heart.

❂

william eggleston, 1939-

 
☼

i prefer warm weather, but even learning to cope with the challenges of living on top of a mountain during the winter can be yoga (union), a practice.

it's important to be able to watch and catch yourself as you move through all those temporary states (as mentioned in previous post). 

distancing one's self from the emotion is the first step in not succumbing to it completely.

let's say, for example, that you notice yourself get caught up in a negative thought loop or lash out at someone out of annoyance or frustration.

being able to recognize that that's what happened can help alleviate the after-effects and maybe even reduce the chance of that impulse arising next time.

one thing i'm not sure of is whether one seeking enlightenment (or just to live this life as peacefully and compassionately as possible) is aiming to never be upset or to channel the anger in a positive way or what. it's not possible to be perfect, and avoidance of everything negative can be just as damaging as the alternative.

still awaiting the answer to that one...

maybe it'll come to me in 50 years. 

☾

you'd think i would have known this already, but life is supposed to contain suffering.

it's a part of life for all of us.

you are not special for your suffering, though it is a valid response to life's hardship.

valid but not unique.

✧

do not store in your heart like treasures all of what and who has wronged you.

like a dragon guarding your gold you will never be free from that which plagues you, though you may be tempted by the illusion of power.

takahashi shōtei, 1871-1945

❉

my sister has such good taste in music, i'm always so amazed at how much is out there i never knew about. like...

ichiko aoba - "porcelain" (windswept adan, 2020)

i'm reminded of nikaido kazumi and various japanese folk singers i used to listen to so many years ago. there's a bit of an off-centeredness to its ambience and harmony that renders it so very dreamlike, as if one cannot be so sure while listening if one is awake or not. the world she creates with her ethereal voice and repetitive musical textures are pretty addicting, trance-like - a lovely soundtrack for the mind and its changes.

srsq - "only one" (unreality, 2018)

i'm a huge fan of this album. it has everything - soaring vocals à la elizabeth fraser and cold synths. an industrial and noisy atmosphere juxtaposed with lush harmonic texture. i am obsessed with this song in particular but this is one of those fairly rare album on which every track is stand-out.

emma ruth rundle - "control" (on dark horses, 2018)

so this wonderful musician apparently did an album with black metal band thou, which is super neat.

somehow she combines that bleak black metal sound with raw folk in her own music and the result satisfies a craving for something i didn't know i wanted.

passage

sometimes i listen to ram dass in the morning when i'm waking up and getting my head into a better place.

i keep finding that so much is forgotten so much of the time...

how to be happy and how to not give in to the sway of temporary states, temporary obsessions and attachments.

i thought i'd include a portion of a talk that spoke to me this morning... enjoy~

charles rennie mackintosh - petunia, 1914

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Ram Dass: A Deeper Source

"There is a need for a certain humor about your own predicament.

If you take the room you're in (meaning the psychological room) too seriously, it makes it more difficult to escape.

But its walls are made of your thoughts. And a person whose heart is closed a moment later could have their heart opened by seeing a little bird fly by. Or somebody whose heart is wide open could suddenly have it turn icy cold by seeing an expression on somebody else's face.

You must realize by now how momentary all of your states are, and how little reason there is to cling to them, and to hold on.

The problem is, your attachment to your highs makes you afraid of your lows. Your attachment to your ecstasy makes you horrified by your negative states and your fear and your deadness and your turned-off-ness.

When you don't cling to one, you won't have to reject the other. And you will see them all as just passing show, passing states. And here we are.

We're each going through. It's like so many television screens, everyone has a different drama on it, including me.

When you're quiet enough, you see everybody's drama going down. If you watch somebody walk by you can see their whole drama, who they think they are and what's happening. Everybody keeps projecting in a thousand different ways their whole trip.

But that trip will be gone in a moment, and there'll be another trip.

Some of you have been very good at holding on to your trips for years. The same trip. And you've gotten to think it's real.

Some people can spend 40 years dying.

We all are.

Or 40 years 'finding what I'll do when I grow up.'

I decided I'd never grow up, so it's irrelevant.

Each day I start all over again."

.

 

tsuchiya koitsu - views of mount fuji, 1940s

 

i am here to become aware. 

i strive to not be a slave to my emotions, feelings, and temporary states.

while navigating daily rituals and routines there are pitfalls and traps littered about for my ego (i'm not sure what else to call it...?) which in turn cries out that it's not getting everything it wants - and it must be everyone else's fault.

truly the words the ego chooses to say do not always have my best interest at heart, and sometimes may drive me to my absolute worst just for its benefit.

i have to create space to be better than what the animal self may want for me. 

i sometimes find myself so overwhelmed with negative states and feelings and emotions that i literally cannot move or breathe, especially in arguments with my partner, which are becoming more and more frequent.

i'm at the threshold of having to come to a decision of some sort, lest i continue down this path of pseudo-normalcy while in the background certain elements of my soul are not actually improving or doing the work of improving. in this state i am unaware that i'm still so far behind and very prone to the recurring theme of defeat by anger and sadness.

the work can only be done at the fire, the point of transformation.

if one avoids this place change won't actually ever happen - how could it?

what changes am i prepared to make so that i can start seeing results - longlasting results that improve my overall quality of life, rather than distract me or balm the pain while not addressing what's really wrong?

audrey niffenegger - with no thought, 1983-85

.

 

so maybe i'll also include some of the music that's been carrying me around (and i've been carrying it around, too) lately. 

a constant soundtrack to my thoughts, as ever.

adrianne lenker - "anything" (songs, 2020)




this is the kit - "shinbone soap" (off off on, 2020)



haitus kaiyote - "nakamarra" (tawk tomahawk, 2012)



joomanji - "chasin' rhymes" (manj, 2013)



john coltrane - "naima" (giant steps, 1959)

 

 

pinback - "prog" (blue screen life, 2001)

 

lianna la havas - "paper thin" (lianna la havas, 2020)

 

 

 .

 

 

you've got god on your side, 

he's listening