mirror in mirror

"für alina" by arvo pärt is the landscape of my mind tonight. searching for an answer in simple steps, upwards and to both sides and in place. behind. in front. down. out. in. lower, higher, slower, faster, quieter louder soft graceful peaceful harsh meditative pensive unsure undoubtedly grateful proud broken whole


the wrath of god

i am a vessel for words to hide in. i am ears to soak in all your stories, a bed for your tired soul to rest. where does my body go off to when i take yours in for the night, i wonder?


my eyes were closed not two seconds ago, and i was in your arms. i wish i had never opened them. you barely spoke to me, like i was the one imposing on your dream world, my existence too intricate or real for your brain to have created me. you hate how real i am, how much i yearn to feel and create and devour. it repulses you that i have even the capacity to desire you, to desire desire, that unending spiral of unfulfillment


a true love is there somewhere and i am excited for it and i think about it all the time and i desire it and i fantasize about it and i fill my dreams up with it and i want it now



In my dark hours, I have the certain feeling that everything outside this one thing has no meaning. The complex and many-faceted only confuses me, and I must search for unity. What is it, this one thing, and how do I find my way to it? Traces of this perfect thing appear in many guises - and everything that is unimportant falls away.


i mourn you

music that makes the soul ache. music that bursts through me like the most confrontational revelation of truth, leaving my physicality vulnerable and unable to withstand the force.

björk is the most beautiful lady i ever did see, i could just stare at her forever. but i also would love to spend a day with her just getting to know her and hear her speak about music and her passions and feelings. i want to experience a fraction of the brainwaves and heart pulses that blissfully persist inside of her

play dead

i feel like i'm about to discover something life-changing. i have felt like this for quite a while actually, and every day is a step closer to this giant event. every interaction that inspires me and every attempt at progressing within myself is energy being stored somewhere, by something, for some reason. at least that's what i tell myself.

what will happen once i have cracked the case and found what i have been searching for, a thing that i couldn't even describe in the most general details, a thing that surpasses my comprehensive abilities? it's impossible to say exactly, but the vast potential fills me with excitement and hope. i am not merely waiting and letting life wash over me in sheets of dull colors and sounds. waiting is for the defeated, the deaf and dumb, the weak.

n.b. this thing i am referring to has something to do with la musique

all of these WORDS


they will be the death of me


the older i get the more hopeless i find myself feeling. it's not a general throbbing hopelessness that comes and goes but rather a raw, constant, persistent ghost haunting the space behind and between every distraction. i don't mind it, it has sort of adopted the form of a shadow that follows me around in the sunlight. it needs to get some fresh air sometimes.

i'm not depressed, i just think very hard about things. i am always putting everything in my life in very precise perspective, considering options, weighing them, dwelling and musing, mentally wandering and harshly analyzing. free to roam eternally inside of this cage.

i need to get more sleep. i don't know why i torture myself by depriving my body of the best feeling known to humankind



that which exists inside of me and has always been with me

that which gives me life, breath, force, light, strength

manifesting itself in everything that i do, every thought i think

its existence is completely separate from the world in which i interact with people, where my emotions get the better of me, where i am bound by social constructs (ETCETERA);

and i love it. i genuinely adore my musical self. it is the most genuine part of me



some of the things i've been floating to lately

joanna newsom - "no provenance" (have one on me, 2010)

arthur russel - "being it" (world of echo, 1986)

mica levi - "love" (under the skin OST, 2014)

asylum party - "sweetness... of pain" (borderline, 1989)

dj rashad (rip) - "i don't give a fuck" (i don't give a fuck EP, 2013)

salem - "trapdoor" (random shit idk)


it's weird that i don't feel anything anymore when i think of you. does it mean something has died, or has it just transformed and is now undetectable, hidden, buried? so much effort to get to this point and yet there is no applause, only a vast silence like a deserted pool. the bland elevator doors have opened at last and i'm stepping out into a new world. one could say it is vibrant and full of possibility. plenty of fish in the sea and all of that. i'm not really getting that vibe, however. i feel like i've trudged through an arctic wasteland, my limbs sore and raw and weak. i just want to lay down and gather strength from the elements. i don't desire the touch of anyone, or anything. i feel like some kinda graveyard. who will come trim the hedges around these dead remnants while i lay still, soaking up sunlight and gasping in huge breathfuls of air? when will this comical slideshow of you and your body finish its parade inside my head so i can go home to my bed?