every inch of me is full of pain
you should've come over
my broken bones can smell the rain
and they're aching to take cover

and the rain
i wanna come down fast like kisses on my skin
but it passed me by
and it left me dry

lover, you should've come over


jeff buckley has entered the brain space and is taking over my mental processes. i find his voice to be angelic, his musical abilities and poetry highly inspiring, his face strangely familiar.we both share an endearing love for rain. it makes me want to curl up under warm blankets, the only place i think i can ever really find myself and be alone with my thoughts.

it makes me want to feel very real, physical sensations. sweat dripping on clammy cold skin, heart racing after making love or running from something scary at night. consuming lots of food until you're incredibly full. touching new, unfamiliar skin. laughs that make you double over and hyperventilate. your center being filling up with the warmest possible feeling...hope. electric nerve shocks, shivers, yummy rubbing feet and scratching palms feelings. or just giving yourself a big hug. yep.


to formulate thoughts about another person
thoughts that have nothing to do with who they really are
but only the reflection that is shown to you


it was valentine's day yesterday. the sensation of being alone felt stronger and perhaps more real/crushing than on other days. thankfully it's over. not actually expressing true gratitude.

it's been snowing very much lately. i watched the snow and felt it fall on my skin, clothes, hair. i watched it envelop entire towns and change the course of people's days, and lives. i experimented with pushing myself to the limits of my capabilities. when it snows nothing is the same, and nothing matters. days are stretched out beyond the usual. there is no school and there are no rules and no one gives a fuck. blood runs freely from invisible wounds.

i have so many things that must somehow be completed within a certain time frame. musical endeavors and school work and important grown up things. who is pushing this agenda on me, i wonder? what will happen to me if i don't complete everything adequately? am i gonna esssplode?

playing the guitar, dissatisfied. playing chess and smiling, though no smiles are given in return. wonder. rejecting coffee because it affects me too strongly. tea is a better substitute. music that makes me slow dance in the gray snow light. warm rooms full of distant people. distant in the sense that despite being physically close we are islands away from one another. strange sensations that lack definite meaning. the decisions that produce these sensations. hazy, lost, gone. riddles about silence and gardens. not letting the smoke of a cigarette enter my lungs. hibernation vibes. living in a house with transparent figures who might not exist. the quickening of pulse and sudden absence of reason because of a single glance or the blurry suggestion of an outline. heavy, crushing disappointment. jazz music and seeing slightly familiar faces. superiority. feeling at home in a place that is not home. dot art on napkins. being able to sleep heavily when it is not necessary. unimaginable kindness in unexpected ways. inebriation and the ability to be someone else. japanese people on a train to memphis. sounds of water rippling, crickets chirping and a conversation in german and french. post-apocalyptic airports where there are no humans. buildings devoid of life, existing only as monuments to the past. ballroom music blares over a speaker somewhere.

there is no one around to dance.

fall asleep to this every night

4:30:25, 5:36:34, 7:20:27, 7:45:43 (♥), 8:58:03, 9:34:44, 9:57:46

man is to man a ghost


who are you?
what does your presence/absence in my life mean?

where are you now?


asking myself the same questions over and over
i can look to no one else for guidance
we are all asking ourselves the same questions
i do no claim to know anything
or believe anything

i just can't

i don't believe in humans

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