you are the smoke that is my breath

so, 2013 has begun and january is nearly over.

what i have i learned?

it's hard to say, but i think there is one thing i have simply observed. there is a sadness to me that will not come off.

i started a new job at my school, and it's been taking up so much of my free time that i hardly have any time to do anything, even think, anymore. this is what i wanted, isn't it? i wanted my days to fly by, all the while saving up for bigger and better things... my mind would have the chance to be numbed by mundanity and rote to such a point i could successfully, finally feign happiness. but what is it now that i crave? sleepless nights and absolute, undiluted apathy are overtaking me. i don't skip classes or anything, but i sit there as if dead and do not participate. i just feel like a corpse these days.

kinda like the girl from the Polanski film Repulsion, except not quite as psychotic or hallucinatory.

there has to be a fire somewhere from which i can glean heat, and light. brightness and beauty. why must i be trapped in this cold netherworld forever? it is only my choice, after all. maybe i'm more comfortable here. i am not a simpleminded person, and i tire easily of endless distractions. i want life to be anything but a distraction! i want it to be all that i am, all that i do. i want to have endless things to look forward to, not endless things to take my mind off of the void of inevitability.

okay, enough of this. i get it i get it, i need help. or something.

in terms of music, i've just been listening to the old stuff, with a few new things.

Aspidistrafly - A Little Fable (2011)
Trist - Hin-Fort (2007)
Eric's Trip -  Purple Blue (1996)
Worm Ouroborus - Come the Thaw (2012)
Ludwig van Beethoven - Piano Sonatas Nos. 15, 24, and 30
and Burial. lots of Burial.

hope everyone is okay, whoever it is that is out there.

drowning in the big swim
rising to the surface
the smell of you, that's the lowdown