i'm about to go home right now. i am in the library and i just spent a little bit of time looking through my old posts on here. i am listening to Stravinsky's Elegy for solo viola.

so much has changed. everything is always changing, and in my world i am changing the most. the way i see my parents, my friends, myself. i am forgetting essential beautiful things in return for newness and unfamiliarity and i'm not sure if i like it.

it is autumn and the leaves are finally changing their colors and falling onto the ground. i walk to school nearly every morning crunching all the leaves beneath my feet and it is one of the great joys of my life. i have only several articles of clothing that i wear to simplify everything. i try to clear my mind and my life from all that is unnecessary. i love laying on the floor listening to music through the dream machine. drifting away and blocking out all sound that i do not wish to hear. blah blah blah

i started playing some video games (nothing serious) but it really really doesn't come naturally to me. i have started drinking wine occasionally, but i don't really have a preference for white or red. it all tastes quite bad to me honestly. except this one new zealand wine i had that is called massimo i think and it tasted like the most exotic beautiful fruits in the world. i tried pho for the first time and it was pretty glorious. i play tennis and soccer and go on long walks and enjoy the beautiful town i live in. i try to call my parents frequently and tell them i am thinking about them.

i have one really amazing professor who has probably taught me the most in her little weekly 30-minute lessons out of any teacher i have ever had in my life. she knows exactly what is needed, what i need to give, and articulates it very clearly. for next week i have to learn perfectly an artsong by Strauss and be able to explain to her why i am making the artistic decisions i am with the shapes, the phrases. she wants me to prove to her that i can be an artist with any piece of music, that i can be inspired from the very beginning to create beauty with my work and my body. i become disconnected too easily and she can sense that.


exclusive limited listening

slint - spiderland
unwound - leaves turn inside you
lowercase - discography
aspidistrafly - a little fable
at the drive-in - relationship of command
la dispute - somewhere at the bottom of the river ...

listening on repeat during long bus rides

american football - "stay home"

béla bartók - four dirges, op. 9a

fishmans - long season

dmitri kabalevsky - cello concerto no. 1, II

morning sun rays

i have started to realize something :




i am human, everyone is human, and we behave according to our desperate attempts to make life tolerable and meaningful. we would be cripplingly confused, otherwise. i want to be so angry at people for hurting me, for making me feel small. i want to be so angry at myself for disappointing myself on a regular basis, failing to do what i set out to do, making consistent mistakes, avoiding things out of fear. i cannot let myself. it would be utterly meaningless. those who have hurt me are no greater than i, no more enlightened, in the end ... so why villify them. we would all make the same mistakes and do the same terrible things but also wonderful things in a million different circumstances. we can only be alive for the unfolding of one historical line but there are infinite potential histories, decisions, thoughts that could influence centuries of progress down the road. i must allow for the mistakes of human nature, the blunders and the victories, the little ones too, of myself and those around me. i must accept myself, my actions. i am only me and this only LIFE, whatever that is. a long continuous process of growth, expansion, etc.

i want to forgive, ultimately