you fill me up, then you make me starve

i want to sincerely apologize for how shitty my blog is and has been for basically all of this year. i don't mean the lack of posts or devastation of download links, just the complete failure on my part to make this an actual blog anymore. the reasons? reasons. i beat myself up unnecessarily over lots of things, but in this case it is pretty necessary. i don't know what to do, but it won't really ever go back to how it used to be here. i've lost all motivation for that, which isn't to say i've lost motivation to be happy or enjoy life. yet.

today has sucked majorly but i'm getting to talk to an old friend so that makes it all worthwhile. it has been months and i feel like i did back in the good old days and it's pretty wonderful.


i am home and school is the last thing on my mind. i don't belong here of course, but i believe that you can belong anywhere you want to belong. for the time being, i belong in my bed, hibernating like the spring bear that i am.

playing my old piano is difficult for me. the feeling is entirely off, i have grown a tiny bit so it's kind of like riding a kid's bicycle. not quite such a large difference, but similar. and i didn't bring too much of my music home with me so it's all up to my memory to find my way through the old paths. through the unraveling of chopin, ravel, rachmaninoff, etc etc i find myself deep in thought and lost. what is the fucking point offffffff anythinggggggggggg

depression definitely looms over me, more noticeably than in at least the past few years, and i'm slightly concerned. i consider something to be either a pervasive problem or a fully cured problem after about a week of consistency, and it's been more than that of straight whatever it is. i don't like to label too clearly my feelings, i get stuck on words and their associations. basically, inspiration is a quality in my life long obsolete. i don't read too much anymore, what it is i read i feel so lost in my own head i can't give myself up to the world of another. music is a lost cause. i'm all over the place and nowhere. i download 1 or less albums a week. yay for me.

i used to be really inspired by the people i communicated with . i used to have daily conversations with those closest to me about my deepest thoughts, and getting them out there really mattered. it was also really important to me, for whatever reason, to let the world know what i was up to. i would text this and that person with what i was currently reading, the location in which i was reading that, the music i had chosen to listen to while reading. an infinite number of combinations here, all of which i felt inordinately unique for having come up with. the grammar in that sentence just blew your mind. but this past semester, from the end of august until now, the end of the first week in december, i have cut off all contact with nearly everyone. i literally talk to almost no one throughout each day. i am not one to have many friends, and the ones i do have, i do not see very often. it is not a high priority of mine to socialize, but i do find that on the spontaneous moments when i'm caught with another human being, just chatting and keeping it real, i am quite a happy person, inside and out. well, maybe not always. it depends on the person... i will share ONE story.

i was attending a concert at the music building, it was some guy playing piano and i remember wanting to write about it here - he was not very good. he was a famous person, french canadian, but i will not share his name. he played the whole second book of debussy's preludes (mind-numbingly dull played by anyone) and liszt's "Après une Lecture de Dante: Fantasia quasi Sonata," or more simply, the "Dante Sonata." it is a fantastic, fantastic work with the most beautiful climax bordering on the heavenly or orgasmic, when played right, i suppose, but hearing it in real life was an experience altogether saddening. i guess it was just too difficult for him, for his strategy was to flatten the sound, as i've seen lots of graduate students do actually, make it softer or slow it down or something at the most soul-crushing parts just to be able to play it without any noticeable mistakes... well, to someone acquainted with the piece, it was heartbreaking. imagine someone snatching a lifetime's worth of dreams that you worked so hard for from your arms and threw them over a cliff, something like that. i wasn't visibly shaken but a part of me died that day.

anyway, the point. after the concert i was walking back home, i was talking to some girl i knew about what i did and didn't like, i don't think she spoke much english, but she disagreed with me about the guy and that's that. this other guy overheard us talking, and after she said goodbye he came up to me and started to ask me what i thought about the performance. i told him my thoughts, and he wasn't a musical person at all, so he said something like, "the works he played were really dramatic." so general, but i could tell he was really impressed with it all, so i told him a bit about romantic music, impressionism, performance style, etc. we eventually just stopped in the middle of this road and were talking for a long time, which seems like it would have been a really cool experience, but it really wasn't. i really got my hopes up about this person when they told me how they were an english major and stuff, but they hadn't even read the great gatsby (just, best book) and never heard of kafka. um, what? then they ask me if i like videogames. time to get the fuck out of there. so much for an educational experience with someone like me. i was really sad and discouraged about finding anyone in the real waking world who i could talk to about anything.

the one good thing about all of this seeming despair, i wrote a short story recently, and it was therapeutic or something in a way that writing very rarely is. it was a very mathematical, logistical process for me. i had a clear narrative in my mind that came to me one night as i walked back to my dorm from the music building. it took me a week or so to finally sit down and write it, but as soon as i started i realized just how methodical it was to write. the english language is truly an amazing thing, and i'm really fortunate to know how it works in such a way that i can successfully manipulate it to mean just about anything i want, in any combination or fashion, or to evoke certain things from certain readers, all with simple syntax and a little artistic decision. i don't mean to say that english is a clearly better language than all others, i just find it to be a natural resource that isn't being used enough, it's infinite potentiality remaining an energy virtually unused in some alternate dimension. the story was a success, and although could be reworked in some parts (one is never fully done with one's work), i think it is an effective body of words depicting a fictional event. i called it, "NIGHT." vagueness is an entirely beautiful thing to me.

right now i cannot stop listening to this Rachmaninoff piano piece. Étude-tableau in C minor, No. 3, Op. 33. i have been listening to it for like the past 3 hours... on repeat. it is quite nice to do that every once in a while. take a piece of music that completely mesmerizes you and keep it looping endlessly in your ears. you will end up in fantastic places. here is lugansky playing it (the very recording i'm so obsessed with). i hear church bells ringing in a forlorn and frostbitten russian countryside.

so, music.

i've been going through phases. lots of them. i will attempt to chronicle them all here, just with my favorite songs~


Sérgio Mendes & Brasil '66 - Constant Rain (Chove Chuva)

Os Mutantes - Dia 36



Otto Olsson - Te Deum for chorus, strings, harp & organ, Op 25, Part 4

Gesualdo de Venosa - Tenebrae factae sunt


4hero - Parallel Universe

Phantom 45 - Think Twice

Photek - Modus Operandi

Cloud 9 - Snow


so yeah. these are just some songs that i've really really been loving (along with their respective albums) lately, from specific genres and stuff. it is a bit random, but i feel like it's all so perfect for me. i highly recommend the entire "te deum" by olsson. it is honestly the most beautiful thing i've ever heard in my life, i cannot get enough of it in any form or fashion.

this is the end, i am truly sorry for the loss of quality in the blog and for my endless ramblings.

they really are endless and will continue to be that way, thank you.

i know that in every possible crack in activity there waits bottomless pits, but today i am managing to walk without stepping into the cracks.



pretty piano music

made this for a friend, thought i'd share ~
the text file inside includes all performance information

basically this is for those who want some pretty classical music to listen to.



memory isblank and the amnesiacs - happiness machine

2012; 10 tracks

here is part deux of memory is blank and the amnesiacs previous release, hollow mind in the century of self (which can be heard here, it's an album i thoroughly enjoyed and truly love).

this album is perhaps a more meditative, even macabre take on the same chaos portrayed in the first release. there aren't precise words to describe what can be heard here, although groups like cLOUDDEAD and artistic minds of those such as Stockhausen are all good places to start. memory isblank build collages of sounds that aren't really collages, but soundscapes of places you want to go and never thought you'd be free to. this album combines moods, atmospheres, clips of surreal memories and places them in various patterns, interlacing freeform thoughts and concrete ideas. throughout the duration of this album you never feel as if you are lost, seeing as there seems to always be a presence of purpose for each track, although it may sometimes be hidden beneath clouds of sonic mystery. it isn't that complex to figure out, but i wonder if the simpler an idea is that presents itself to you, the happier you will be because of it. the secret here is to not be confused but to absorb.

with that said, i find that the real question of happiness machine is: where will you end up?




this month (august) was a rap month.

also, i turned 19. i feel so... old.

learning lots of cool piano music.

here are some of my favorite songs/albums/whatever.

Mr. Muthafuckin' eXquire - "Position of Passion"

Danny Brown - "I Will"

Bows - "Blush"



The Smiths - "Asleep"

Bela Bartok - Four Dirges, Sz. 45 (Op. 9a)


dramacore (netlabel)

gonna paint my toenails, gonna take a nap, goodbye!

there is hope in restrain


i love you

it's late, i'm in my freezing cold dorm room, i am eating chips, i am listening to lungfish, i am wearing thigh high socks, and a grey and white striped sweater, my head is empty but i want to type words

it smells like really cheap de-oderizing spray in this room thanks to my roommate who obviously has no taste in smells, which is funny to say because how can you have a taste in smells

i started reading moby dick and only 29 pages in i am convinced it is the pinnacle of prose

i am in love with this book, everything surrounding it

i want to go to the ocean, i want to sleep on a boat for once in my life

I try all things. I achieve what I can.




i don't know


currently listening to

Coachwhips - Bangers vs. Fuckers

SELA. - Everything is in Relation to Something

this is the last time i will hold your precious body
while days are passing by, and swallows each moment whole
i'll miss your lips... your smile, the glimpse in your eyes and your greatness
i hate to feel this way, but all good things must come to an end
this is ours. from now on there is no tomorrow my friend
how could i know? how should i feel?
i'm misled by words never spoken
how could i know? how should i feel?
i'm misled by a smile never shown


Confessions (告白, Kokuhaku) OST

2010; 19 tracks
Here is the soundtrack to Japanese drama film Confessions (告白, Kokuhaku), directed by Tetsuya Nakashima and released in 2010.

This is one of the greatest soundtracks I have ever had a chance to listen to. It is a beautiful and sad mix of songs of all genres. The Boris and Radiohead track(s) are my favorites.

01 渋谷 毅 (Shibuya Tekishi; arranged by Gabriele Roberto) - Milk
02 Radiohead - Last Flowers
03 Boris - 虹が始まるとき
04 cokiyu - Gloomy
05 渋谷慶一郎 (Shibuya Keiichiro) - Piano Concerto No. 5(J. S. Bach)
06 Boris - My Machine
07 AKB48 - RIVER
08 Boris - 斷片-Bit-
09 PoPoyans - When the owl sleeps
10 やくしまるえつこ&永井聖一 (Yakushimaru Etsuko & Nagai Seiichi) - The Meeting Place
11 ザ・エックス・エックス (The xx) - Fantasy
12 Boris - にじむ殘像
13 cokiyu - See the sun
14 Curly Giraffe - Peculiarities
15 Y.S.& The Sunshine Band - That's The Way (I Like It)
16 Boris - Feedbacker
17 choir - Long long Ago
18 Boris - 決別
19 渋谷慶一郎 (Shibuya Keiichiro) - Largo (G. Handel)

Now come inside me
Let me drink you all up


Lust for Youth / War - The Glass House Etiquette

2011; 2 tracks
Here is a split between Swedish lo-fi synth duo Lust For Youth and War, another fuzzy synth/post-punk that features members of the bands Iceage and Sexdrome. Both groups are signed to Posh Isolation (with LFY being also signed to Italian record label Avant!), a Danish underground label that releases music of a primarily dark, melancholic, harsh industrial and noisy variety.

01 Lust For Youth - Denial, Veronica
02 War - Somme, Maggio


Killing Joke - MMXII

2012; 10 tracks
This is proof, purely, that good music can still be made today. You just have to look around a bit.

Killing Joke, a near-legendary English post-punk/new wave band, have been releasing music fairly consistently for almost three decades. I do not know of the quality of all of these releases, and to be honest I have never listened to them much before right now (as in, TODAY), but I am amazed at the beauty and quality of this music, especially considering the year it was released.

In any case, here is my absolute favorite song off of the track, "In Cythera" - it could have been released in 1984, maybe, although some metal/industrial elements in it might give away the age a little. I just really like this.

If you want the whole album, try this.

I've seen you, in a dream 
On a sunny day, where the skies are clear


2NE1 - I Love You

2012; 1 track
My absolute favorite South Korean girl-pop group 2NE1's new single "I Love You" is out today (or rather, yesterday), and I literally can't stop listening to it!! I am so in love with it. You can find it different places, or you can just hear it here. I am soooo in looove with itttt. Oops I already said that.

p.s. the spoken intro sounds a lot like lady gaga. :s

I love you every day, in every way


Mix No. 19 - bleed for a while

01 Ganger - Blau
02 Swollen Members - Left Field 
03 Mayhem - Necrolust 
04 Gustav Mahler - Symphony No. 5, IV. Adagietto - Sehr langsam agietto



experimental computer musician

some fucking amazing creations by a Washington-based electronic artist, all released on the label beer on the rug.

website (just visit here instead of looking at this post weofjnva)

if you're thinking what i am thinking then yes, this is everything you've ever dreamed of and more.

new dreams ltd. initiation tape - part one
2011; 14 tracks

01     forever? (introduction, pt. 1)
02     midnight luvr (introduction, pt. 2)
03     timecop
04     neu fatale
05     drftrzz / dstryrzz
06     camaro
07     psr41
08     hydrocodone / prom night
09     you appeared / you didn’t
10     yr slave
11     meditations save me o lord
12     upper spheres of consciousness
13     rationalization
14     new life now! please


Here is the track "風船ガムBUBBLEGUM" from the album 札幌コンテンポラリー (2012).



Here is the track "ブート" from the album FLORAL SHOPPE (2011).


fuji grid tv - prism genesis
2011; 17 tracks

01    panasonic / hearing aid
02    ssun dreamss
03    change yr mind
04    toyota / waiting for you
05    slime ritual
06    cinemax / speak
07    fujifilm / cougar
08    black horse / white bitch midi
09    waterfall voyeur
10    mosaic 2.1 / demo
11    sharp vhs
12    warm life / legs
13    walkmann / lil babies
14    new life / cd player
15    hbo / pyro tv
16    heaven’s gate / sneak out!
17    disku system

esc 不在 - black horse/midi dungeon
2011; 2 discs, 23 tracks
part a: black horse
part b: midi dungeon
laserdisc visions

here is a track from the album new dreams ltd. (2011)


and my personal favorite project...


this is the world i dream about
maybe i'll see it soon.
anywhere but here


here is the track "seafoam island" from the album colour ocean road (2011).

Googoosh - Googoosh

2011; 11 tracks
Googoosh is Faegheh Atashin, an Iranian singer and actress who has been releasing pop albums since 1970 and is continuing to tour and spread her music throughout the world.

This release is a compilation of tracks that survived the destructive Iranian revolution of 1979, in which many of her pre-1980 songs and performances were hidden or banned, and sometimes even destroyed.


Satan Panonski - Nuklearne Olimpijske Igre

1990; 24 tracks
This is the second album by the highly interesting character Satan Panonski, or Ivica Čuljak, a Croatian punk icon. In 1977 at the age of 17 a wave of radical changes, both political and musical, found him in his village of Vinkovci, Croatia. In 1980, he became the singer of the punk band Pogreb X before moving on to write his own songs and start his punk project under the name Satan Panonski. Apparently he stayed in a Lipovican correctional home for three months to avoid military service, as well as pay his dues to the law, before being transferred to an asylum close to his hometown in 1977. Also apparently, he was killed as a soldier in war in 1992...

It's crazy and good.




How will we know if we're awake or if we're dreaming?

Who cares.