listen as loud as you dare

there is not much in this world that i do not despise.

love is not a feeling.
what i thought i felt to be love was not love at all.

if there is an organ somewhere in my body responsible for the feeling of emotions i would like to destroy it as soon as possible.

i don't trust many people because their words and their faces betray the truth.

i seek only truth.

cloudy days do not exist to me.


i stare up at the glow stars i have placed on my ceiling and envision my own universe lying beyond those pinpricks of light. i imagine the constellations and how history shall create meaning for them. i imagine my face in the stars, my face made out of stars, my flesh and bones mere stardust. i see moonlight shining through my skin as translucent as if i were a giant window in space. i am a vessel for space to exist. i am a carrier of stardust sent to explore more of the universe. are you coming with me?


Coil - Dublin, City Hall, October 23, 2004

this is the final performance of COIL before jhonn balance died a few days later. 54:40 is the beginning of the song "going up" off of ape of naples. it is perhaps the most heartstoppingly beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life, this performance. that song perfectly encapsulates everything i feel COIL was about, or at least a majority of it. i can't stop listening to this song and "i don't get it" for i can't envision anything greater than these two things existing simultaneously in my head.


this is me singing a song to you.
**** ***.
-throws it on your doorstep and runs away to the other end of the universe-

i sincerely do not like most people. i do not like your personality, i do not want to know you. i do not want you to talk to me. what makes you think you can shove words in my ear? what divine right do you have to make me conscious of whatever you choose to say? what makes you think you can try to influence my mood or even my thoughts?

shut the fuck up and leave me alone


click to enter paradise

are you ready to go now?


aquarium-filtered light

i am obsessed, obsessed with this album:

4hero - Parallel Universe (1995)

lost in

and my favorite track off of it, "Follow Your Heart (pt. 2)"

i find it very fun and enjoyable and astounding to listen to. i would rather listen to it above most other things.


i recently watched a documentary on the pianist Glenn Gould in which his life is explained with great detail. i have come to realize him as one of the most important and greatest pianists this world has ever seen. i can't speak much for his recordings of other composers, but i find his bach works absolutely definitive. i enjoy his mozart renditions a whole lot too. they are so completely different from what one has become used  to, yet entirely better for it.

he was also so dreamy and magnetizing to watch.

the desert

my current favorite mozart of his being the sonata no. 12, k. 332, in f major. the first movement, an allegro, played rather detached but in a very charming way, and then the second movement, one of the most beautifully rich adagios i have ever heard in my life. gould gives it depth, character, and really embraces what at times seem like strange harmonies. all is not what it seems.

as for bach, i have shared a video earlier of the e major fugue in which it is quite possible bach achieved perfection. not just in the aesthetic sense, but when broken down into parts the piece seems to have simply no flaws. divinity at work through the hands who composed it and the genius who now performs it. i can't get over how each line is given roundness, meaning, just by how it is conceived and executed musically. the notes themselves hold nothing particularly special, they really don't. their arrangement, their resurrection from the page, the auditory transformation from a lifeless staff to very physical sensations, moving lines and voices that attract your ear, pull at you from far-off places, stop your heart for a moment; these are things that only the highest evolution of human can achieve. these are things that can be replaced by nothing else in the universe.

here is gould playing the ending of the first movement to bach's keyboard concerto no. 1 in d minor, BWV 1052. i find the part at 1:10 to be rather lovely, intimate.

sometimes you have to wonder, what does it all mean?

soaked in

i recently started reading raymond chandler's first novel, the big sleep. i haven't seen the film yet in its entirety, but i will probably wait until i'm though with the book. so far i find it incredible and rich. it reminds me a lot of the murakami books i used to love; i am pretty sure he was even influenced by chandler's hard-boiled detective motif. there are great similarities between writing styles, too; very straight to the point, lots of talk of alcohol, the male characters being brutally honest, cynical yet not entirely heartless, while the female characters remain very peculiar and sometimes insanely annoying. i really hope most girls aren't as flimsy as they are portrayed.

wet dreams

also really super super loving this track by burial and massive attack, "four walls." her voice reminds me of the girl from elysian fields, very sensual and mystical. the fuzzy textures overlaying the beat seem to take precedence here, as opposed to what one might be more familiar with in burial's output.


i wonder if i am at any stage in my life to which i could attribute a season, a time of day, or anything symbolic like that. i suppose that in a chronological sense at 20 i would be considered in the summer, or in the mid afternoon when the sun is highest in the sky. everything is rising to its fullest potential and blooming and exploding and moaning with raw desire for newness and sensation. i get it. but did the desire for everything i can possibly withhold in my body originate from within me, or am i soaking in what is merely expected of me?

i want to hang out with myself and do things. i feel like i understand myself pretty well and would be able to have fun. but at the same time, i think a lot of the things i do are for the person i am with. what fun is it when there isn't anyone to show off to, right? grrrrrr

i do want everything, it is true. and i feel like i can have anything. i do not feel limited, or at least to the extent i did in the past. there are so many possibilities, it feels like i am constantly squinting because the force of the sun's rays are overpowering my senses... i do not walk blindly but with some obscuring factors in my path. i do not resent these however, for perfect clarity does not strike me as possible or even human. who can claim that there is nothing hidden from them? perhaps it is best not to care, but to just move forward, stumble a little, without rest.

who can afford that?

dear diary, i must take risks -
i must not be afraid of failure.what do i need to give up?
crystalline ladders, shiny things, mirror-balls…

i just found a review that i used to love from years ago. it completely blew my mind. the review is of coil's moon's milk EPs.




this track reminds me of feelings that i don't even remember ever feeling, places i don't remember really being but still hold deep significance. car rides underneath trees which now stand dead and bare. hands held, once warm and full of life, in a human-shaped space now empty and cold. basically, this song brings to life the ghost of myself who has lived out each potentiality and from whose transparency i am left with the remaining memory and sensation

happiness isn't always explicit, it's not always direct or overt or even visible
tangible, ready and willing
sometimes it is resting under the surface of your every day life
like morning light behind clouds
just fucking bask in the light
stop suffocating it
stop your desperate attempts at unmasking its true form
that is not for you
it was never for you
so lie still

this isn't just isolation. this is hell


why must he plague me with his face
his memory is like a world of sights, sounds, smells, sensations that will never be felt again
a world of loss and losing
a world that will spin and spiral infinitely away from me with each passing moment

the saddest fucking thing to ever experience.

fuck trying to see this positively
i feel ruined

sorry for the negativity guys. maybe this video will help inspire you to believe in a beauty, or at least some kind of salvation to be felt throughout your life. orchestrating pure sounds in the air and experiencing what it means to be human through music. i am fed up with trying to cultivate my own sensations, trying to force the feeling of being alive upon myself. all it leads to is unimaginable disappointment.

another song in which i find it very easy to lose myself


all i wanna do is make music
and explore sounds
and feel weightless

days and hours lose their importance as i drift through life
happiness is not a priority
breathing is
i guess

me dancing in these holographic lights
they form around any shadows that intrude their path
which i was happy to do


would you let me sing to you?