shadow grounds: passage

sometimes i listen to ram dass in the morning when i'm waking up and getting my head into a better place.

i keep finding that so much is forgotten so much of the time...

how to be happy and how to not give in to the sway of temporary states, temporary obsessions and attachments.

i thought i'd include a portion of a talk that spoke to me this morning... enjoy~

charles rennie mackintosh - petunia, 1914

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Ram Dass: A Deeper Source

"There is a need for a certain humor about your own predicament.

If you take the room you're in (meaning the psychological room) too seriously, it makes it more difficult to escape.

But its walls are made of your thoughts. And a person whose heart is closed a moment later could have their heart opened by seeing a little bird fly by. Or somebody whose heart is wide open could suddenly have it turn icy cold by seeing an expression on somebody else's face.

You must realize by now how momentary all of your states are, and how little reason there is to cling to them, and to hold on.

The problem is, your attachment to your highs makes you afraid of your lows. Your attachment to your ecstasy makes you horrified by your negative states and your fear and your deadness and your turned-off-ness.

When you don't cling to one, you won't have to reject the other. And you will see them all as just passing show, passing states. And here we are.

We're each going through. It's like so many television screens, everyone has a different drama on it, including me.

When you're quiet enough, you see everybody's drama going down. If you watch somebody walk by you can see their whole drama, who they think they are and what's happening. Everybody keeps projecting in a thousand different ways their whole trip.

But that trip will be gone in a moment, and there'll be another trip.

Some of you have been very good at holding on to your trips for years. The same trip. And you've gotten to think it's real.

Some people can spend 40 years dying.

We all are.

Or 40 years 'finding what I'll do when I grow up.'

I decided I'd never grow up, so it's irrelevant.

Each day I start all over again."
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tsuchiya koitsu - views of mount fuji, 1940s

i am here to become aware.

i strive to not be a slave to my emotions, feelings, and temporary states.

while navigating daily rituals and routines there are pitfalls and traps littered about for my ego (i'm not sure what else to call it...?) which in turn cries out that it's not getting everything it wants - and it must be everyone else's fault.

truly the words the ego chooses to say do not always have my best interest at heart, and sometimes may drive me to my absolute worst just for its benefit.

i have to create space to be better than what the animal self may want for me.

i sometimes find myself so overwhelmed with negative states and feelings and emotions that i literally cannot move or breathe, especially in arguments with my partner, which are becoming more and more frequent.

i'm at the threshold of having to come to a decision of some sort, lest i continue down this path of pseudo-normalcy while in the background certain elements of my soul are not actually improving or doing the work of improving. in this state i am unaware that i'm still so far behind and very prone to the recurring theme of defeat by anger and sadness.

the work can only be done at the fire, the point of transformation.

if one avoids this place change won't actually ever happen - how could it?

what changes am i prepared to make so that i can start seeing results - longlasting results that improve my overall quality of life, rather than distract me or balm the pain while not addressing what's really wrong?

audrey niffenegger - with no thought, 1983-85

so maybe i'll also include some of the music that's been carrying me around (and i've been carrying it around, too) lately.

a constant soundtrack to my thoughts, as ever.

adrianne lenker - "anything" (songs, 2020)

this is the kit - "shinbone soap" (off off on, 2020)

haitus kaiyote - "nakamarra" (tawk tomahawk, 2012)

joomanji - "chasin' rhymes" (manj, 2013)

john coltrane - "naima" (giant steps, 1959)