the turning wheel turns

i am staying sober, for good this time! i will admit that i have renewed interest in committing to this new state of being because someone i admire seems to be doing very very well newly sober and is ecstatic about it, but the fact still stands.

to abstain from drinking altogether isn't extraordinarily easy or extraordinarily difficult, but it feels like the absolute right thing for me to do. the feeling i used to find so pleasurable is actually quite sickening - i can hardly even think about being in that place, two drinks or so in and already feeling the pull downward into a need for more, without a dizzying nausea.

nope nope nope.

and it may be more difficult this way. in order to fully face reality's absolute fullness, to embrace all of the confusing and painful and absolutely maddening parts, one must carefully create space to accept and a willingness to experience. the creating and the willingness are the key elements of the practice, they are where the central focus must go in order to become truly independent of desire/perpetual unfullfilment. to be open you must accept your own power to change your experience.

i think the less you hide from discomfort the more your body and soul will respond with a stronger resilience.

resilience is the mechanism by which perseverance thrives. if you are mentally and physically prepared to persevere, you are more able to do so without any thought of giving up. there is something in me, and perhaps in you too, which desires laziness. the monkey is quite apathetic and bratty about life in general, and would like nothing more but to lay in bed eternally doing nothing and hiding from its responsibility, generally hating existence and projecting nothing but negativity into the world. the more one faces this unfortunate and self-destructive aspect of their humanity with a trained mind and soul one is far less likely to succumb to it.

exercising virtue is how one gains virtue. it is in the practice, moment by moment, that we grow stronger, more resilient.

prosperity. compassion. purification. peace. knowledge.

yamamoto kanae - garden, 1918

☸️

my partner and i put up tibetan prayer flags yesterday at the front of our house with a shared intention, together. he said something about imagining that the flags, five-colored fabric squares blowing in the wind, are like the sails of a ship pointed towards our intention. on each of the flags is printed a symbol, some text, and one of the five words shown above ( ^ ).

the physical ritual can be incredibly important when done with full intention - a symbol is useful or effective only if properly understood, respected. to physically demonstrate that i am on this path, to be unafraid to share that with the world and especially myself, a new page is turned. a new awareness is cultivated, a new plane attained.

there's something very right about a ship set firmly on its course, i think.

if you have yet to arrive at your destination... perhaps it is best to keep going.

☸️

erykah badu - "sometimes," baduizm (1997)

^ can. not. stop. listening. ^