listen as loud as you dare

there is not much in this world that i do not despise.

love is not a feeling.
what i thought i felt to be love was not love at all.

if there is an organ somewhere in my body responsible for the feeling of emotions i would like to destroy it as soon as possible.

i don't trust many people because their words and their faces betray the truth.

i seek only truth.

cloudy days do not exist to me.


i stare up at the glow stars i have placed on my ceiling and envision my own universe lying beyond those pinpricks of light. i imagine the constellations and how history shall create meaning for them. i imagine my face in the stars, my face made out of stars, my flesh and bones mere stardust. i see moonlight shining through my skin as translucent as if i were a giant window in space. i am a vessel for space to exist. i am a carrier of stardust sent to explore more of the universe. are you coming with me?


Coil - Dublin, City Hall, October 23, 2004

this is the final performance of COIL before jhonn balance died a few days later. 54:40 is the beginning of the song "going up" off of ape of naples. it is perhaps the most heartstoppingly beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life, this performance. that song perfectly encapsulates everything i feel COIL was about, or at least a majority of it. i can't stop listening to this song and "i don't get it" for i can't envision anything greater than these two things existing simultaneously in my head.


this is me singing a song to you.
**** ***.
-throws it on your doorstep and runs away to the other end of the universe-

i sincerely do not like most people. i do not like your personality, i do not want to know you. i do not want you to talk to me. what makes you think you can shove words in my ear? what divine right do you have to make me conscious of whatever you choose to say? what makes you think you can try to influence my mood or even my thoughts?

shut the fuck up and leave me alone


click to enter paradise

are you ready to go now?