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every inch of me is full of pain
you should've come over
my broken bones can smell the rain
and they're aching to take cover

and the rain
i wanna come down fast like kisses on my skin
but it passed me by
and it left me dry

lover, you should've come over

-

jeff buckley has entered the brain space and is taking over my mental processes. i find his voice to be angelic, his musical abilities and poetry highly inspiring, his face strangely familiar.we both share an endearing love for rain. it makes me want to curl up under warm blankets, the only place i think i can ever really find myself and be alone with my thoughts.

it makes me want to feel very real, physical sensations. sweat dripping on clammy cold skin, heart racing after making love or running from something scary at night. consuming lots of food until you're incredibly full. touching new, unfamiliar skin. laughs that make you double over and hyperventilate. your center being filling up with the warmest possible feeling...hope. electric nerve shocks, shivers, yummy rubbing feet and scratching palms feelings. or just giving yourself a big hug. yep.



-

to formulate thoughts about another person
thoughts that have nothing to do with who they really are
but only the reflection that is shown to you

-

it was valentine's day yesterday. the sensation of being alone felt stronger and perhaps more real/crushing than on other days. thankfully it's over. not actually expressing true gratitude.

it's been snowing very much lately. i watched the snow and felt it fall on my skin, clothes, hair. i watched it envelop entire towns and change the course of people's days, and lives. i experimented with pushing myself to the limits of my capabilities. when it snows nothing is the same, and nothing matters. days are stretched out beyond the usual. there is no school and there are no rules and no one gives a fuck. blood runs freely from invisible wounds.

i have so many things that must somehow be completed within a certain time frame. musical endeavors and school work and important grown up things. who is pushing this agenda on me, i wonder? what will happen to me if i don't complete everything adequately? am i gonna esssplode?

playing the guitar, dissatisfied. playing chess and smiling, though no smiles are given in return. wonder. rejecting coffee because it affects me too strongly. tea is a better substitute. music that makes me slow dance in the gray snow light. warm rooms full of distant people. distant in the sense that despite being physically close we are islands away from one another. strange sensations that lack definite meaning. the decisions that produce these sensations. hazy, lost, gone. riddles about silence and gardens. not letting the smoke of a cigarette enter my lungs. hibernation vibes. living in a house with transparent figures who might not exist. the quickening of pulse and sudden absence of reason because of a single glance or the blurry suggestion of an outline. heavy, crushing disappointment. jazz music and seeing slightly familiar faces. superiority. feeling at home in a place that is not home. dot art on napkins. being able to sleep heavily when it is not necessary. unimaginable kindness in unexpected ways. inebriation and the ability to be someone else. japanese people on a train to memphis. sounds of water rippling, crickets chirping and a conversation in german and french. post-apocalyptic airports where there are no humans. buildings devoid of life, existing only as monuments to the past. ballroom music blares over a speaker somewhere.

there is no one around to dance.


fall asleep to this every night


4:30:25, 5:36:34, 7:20:27, 7:45:43 (♥), 8:58:03, 9:34:44, 9:57:46


man is to man a ghost


-

who are you?
what does your presence/absence in my life mean?

where are you now?

-

asking myself the same questions over and over
i can look to no one else for guidance
we are all asking ourselves the same questions
 
i do no claim to know anything
or believe anything

i just can't


i don't believe in humans

R U Still In 2 It

this song perfectly encapsulates everything i feel/felt/have ever felt. it used to make me physically sick to hear. sensation has subsided, however. numbness ..



are you still into it? 'cause i'm still into it
we haven't had sore bits for about a fortnight
am i your only one? 'cause you're still my only one
but if you need more, i'll just do it and some, right

we should go into town and spend some money
we could go to the pictures and see something funny
we'd share a popcorn and we can go to the pub at night
we can get right tanked up and go home and have a fight

will you still miss me, when i'm gone?
is there love there, even when i'm wrong?
will you still kiss me, if you find out?
i will now leave you but don't follow me

we could go into town and spend some money
we could go to the pictures, go and see something funny
share a popcorn and when it's finished we could go to the pub at night
and get right pissed and go home and have a fight

will you miss me, when i'm gone?
is there love there, even when I'm wrong?
will you still kiss me, if you find out?
i will leave you and i will miss you

the sun is far away

reminds me of the first night we were together. driving in the dark along backroads out in the middle of nowhere. searching for a place to stay and give ourselves to each other. driving to find somewhere to eat at 3 in the morning. hot chocolate and pancakes. the feeling i'd get when you would leave and it would be weeks or months before i saw you again.

i am hurting. what i felt with you was more intense than any other feeling i've ever experienced, even more than the feeling of being alive. you made being alive feel worth it. even when i was sad i always knew there was something to look forward to in life. going out late at night to get ice cream or whatever. coming back home and knowing there is no one else on earth you need. best friends. i thought it would last forever.

hearing you tell me you don't love me anymore to my face, and watching you look at me and treat me like a stranger.. words can't describe that pain. you might as well have stabbed me in the heart you know? i honestly thought you would embrace me and tell me you missed me. delusional. i honestly thought that seeing me cry would make you feel something. it's like i am dead to you. a dead memory.

i am not dead though, i am violently alive and i know that my love was bigger than the entire universe. it was massive, a huge love. while i was with you i memorized your body, your smell, your voice, your habits, and kept all of those things precious and safe. i even drove 5 hours cross-country at risk to follow my heart's desires, twice. you can call me crazy, but what else is there in life if you can't sacrifice everything for something you believe in.

that love is not a weakness. it is not a fault of mine. being able to feel like that is the most beautiful thing life has given me, it's overwhelming and painful and everything.

you crushed it with every ounce of strength you had.

good bye

someone dies

i am home right now.
familiar four walls and lamp lights encircle me.
involuntarily pushing glasses up my nose.
my hair is wet and my eyes are tired.
listening to all of my favorite music.
struggling to be warm in the season of cold and ice and death.
i dream of talking dogs and long train rides.
staring out of windows for inordinate periods of time.
many letters gone unsent, unread, with no anticipating responses.
voices screaming in my head in unison but with different resonances and meanings.
beds that i do not desire to sleep in call to me.

a sleeping piglet with soft downy hair and gentle inhalations, its little pink body resting beside my head on the pillow, breathes with complete trust in me and the elements that it will wake up and it will be okay.

i want someone to look down on me with affection while i rest and i want their hand to flick the hair out of my eyes. i want a warm loving gesture to pull the blanket up around my shoulders in the depths of night. a watchful presence that cares unconditionally. a shadow of the desire in me that has been awoken but not reciprocated by anything else on earth. a shadow that has no shadow.

-


-

wants;

i want to live in a minimally decorated space and grow plants, raise puppies and babies, play music and read books and make food and fuck my brains out and study constellations and stare at a shiny metal box for hours at a time. i'll brush my teeth and comb my hair as my mind wanders, half awake and half asleep. actions this body knows it must undertake for the sake of their completion. the end goal is no longer in focus, if it ever was that is.

do you remember that first kiss. that first touch of hands and that first spark of feeling deep in your essence. a fire that is born out of pure longing. my lower abdomen melts and my fingertips glow. my lips are no longer my lips but the finely-tuned parts of a giant fleshy machine that aches and throbs, its programming requiring it to desperately try and fill its cavernous depths with warm glowing liquid. a heavy scent that arises only from a steaming bath somewhere in the darkness. exotic and sensual and deadly.

i even remember the feel of the sheets, the carpet, the hardwood floor, the mirrors i stared into countless times, the distant sounds of TVs and toilets flushing and reggae music and lungs coughing and snoring. hugging your arm while you drove us to a place, any place. the texture of your hair. the wrinkles of your hands. waiting in anticipation for you to come home to me. folding your clothes at the foot of the bed. the cracked tile shower walls and ancient wallpaper. the perfect warm darkness we slept beneath every night. hearing you breathe. why did i not try harder to experience that reality with every sense working at maximum potential. why did i glide so easily past you in my life that only painful and physical things now remain. why is there a you-shaped hole burning through me. a vacuum that surroundings melt around as if your body was completely invisible energy, sucking all life around it into a giant evil stomach.

did you even exist

-

Mogwai - "Take Me Somewhere Nice"


^ i've listened to this song countless times while driving, recently. it is really the perfect depressive music. sometimes pain is the only way to get through pain... i guess?

someone lives

LIFE OF ALLIE, CURRENT:

- the angelic process, we all die laughing, (+ discography)
- mogwai, everything (CODY <333, rock action, young team)
- rachmaninoff, various Études-tableaux
- mozart, piano sonata no. 13 (Gould)
- tchaikovsky's first piano concerto (currently learning)
- bach, goldberg variations (gould, 1955 recording)
- reading Norwegian Wood again! it is the only book that actually ever mattered to me. it has defined me in some ways. every character has a place in my life within someone i know, including myself (if that makes any sense).
- modern Japanese female haikus
- not wanting to be close to people
- walking on train tracks over bridges
- finding that i have a strange but very strong and powerful affinity for really tall radio towers (especially when i am in close proximity to them)
- giles corey s/t
- summoning, "long way to where no pathway goes" is the greatest song on earth
- people-watching for the sake of just studying their behaviors, fashion, patterns in appearances and such
- driving around randomly listening to really loud music and dancing at all the red lights
- having to sneeze all the time
- mochi

in pain

-

mundane things about the physical world
about your world
i want to share them with you
more than anything

 i want to watch the snow with you,
please

i want to take care of you...

you are no longer in my reach

永眠

I DON'T GET IT.



I DON'T LOVE.



listen as loud as you dare

there is not much in this world that i do not despise.

love is not a feeling.
what i thought i felt to be love was not love at all.

if there is an organ somewhere in my body responsible for the feeling of emotions i would like to destroy it as soon as possible.

i don't trust many people because their words and their faces betray the truth.

i seek only truth.

cloudy days do not exist to me.

-

i stare up at the glow stars i have placed on my ceiling and envision my own universe lying beyond those pinpricks of light. i imagine the constellations and how history shall create meaning for them. i imagine my face in the stars, my face made out of stars, my flesh and bones mere stardust. i see moonlight shining through my skin as translucent as if i were a giant window in space. i am a vessel for space to exist. i am a carrier of stardust sent to explore more of the universe. are you coming with me?

-
 

Coil - Dublin, City Hall, October 23, 2004

this is the final performance of COIL before jhonn balance died a few days later. 54:40 is the beginning of the song "going up" off of ape of naples. it is perhaps the most heartstoppingly beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life, this performance. that song perfectly encapsulates everything i feel COIL was about, or at least a majority of it. i can't stop listening to this song and "i don't get it" for i can't envision anything greater than these two things existing simultaneously in my head.

-



this is me singing a song to you.
**** ***.
-throws it on your doorstep and runs away to the other end of the universe-

i sincerely do not like most people. i do not like your personality, i do not want to know you. i do not want you to talk to me. what makes you think you can shove words in my ear? what divine right do you have to make me conscious of whatever you choose to say? what makes you think you can try to influence my mood or even my thoughts?

shut the fuck up and leave me alone

-

click to enter paradise

are you ready to go now?