have you ever felt pain so enormous and so life-altering that you have no words to say to it? you are just faced with this endless black forest, you look up and see no sky, you look down and see no ground, you are floating in space and there is no trapdoor through which to escape. it's a punishment, and the worst part is you know you actually deserve it. you tell yourself that it might just be an unexpected journey, a splendid alice in wonderland type-story that you've managed to infiltrate. it will be so much fun to be lost and confused and have to dig yourself out, maybe you'll even find some help along the way. except as the time passes, slowly and slowly and slower each day, each second moving like a year, that excitement gives way to thought. pure thought, as vast as the biggest desert or field you've ever seen, as vast as the ocean view from the beach, which encapsulates your being and and from which there is NO ESCAPE. a depth of feeling so great and startling, you have no words.
i am isolated from the one i love. i have been deserted on an island of eternity that i created for myself in a dark room somewhere long ago.
when the moon sails out
the water hides earth’s surface,
the heart feels like an island
in the infinite silence
|and if suddenly|
how could i have gone so long without feeling, i have to wonder. it is funny. it is the only explanation for the stark difference of what i am going through now - like night and day. maybe i have never really felt anything before now. but something is here now, and not going anywhere. i am a bruise all over and with one touch i might spiral back into a dark recess of the heart that i should have boarded up forever long ago.
i hate the word raw, because it is true. raw is a thing, and it is what i am. it is the only word to describe the past 2 years of my life, including the days i live now. raw, and new. unforgettable. unforgiveable. rawness. why am i such a sensitive ball of flesh.
|the way one looks at distant things|
i want to watch a miyazaki film under the covers with someone warm. i want to heal myself and my body. i want to peek through sheets at lights through blinds and feel the pure warmth of the sun on my skin. i want to be heated up from the inside out. i want to shine through every opening. i want to never close and never harden. i want to breathe and really release, really rid myself of the breath, and take in some kind of newness with each inhalation. the only constant in life is the breathing, the beating of the heart, the blinking of the eyes. simple mechanisms that define our existence. without getting fancy that is what we are - machines working in time with each other to produce life. that is comforting, i guess.
|comings and goings|
i am thankful for my body. i am thankful for its shape and its function. without it i would be a lost soul, and though that seems appealing, it is not what i want at this point in my life. i am thankful for my mind, and that i am aware i exist. i am thankful for the things that i touch, the air that i breathe, everything that rises up to meet me on a daily basis, for these are the things that make up my life. i am thankful for the tasks that i achieve, because these are the things that take up my time. i am thankful for the opportunity to be a speck of dust on a pinpoint of light in this universe.
no one can break my heart.
john tavener - "the protecting veil" / yo-yo ma, david zinman, baltimore symphony orchestra
aspidistrafly - "countless white moons" / a little fable
i went mourning without the sun