slow moving trains

I said kiss me, you're beautiful, these are truly the last days. You grabbed my hand and we fell into it. Like a daydream, or a fever.

. . .

time is relentlessly and endlessly slipping through your fingers. i thought i told you this. you let your life pass you by so easily, carelessly, thoughtlessly. this moment, right now, is the only thing you can ever truly have and be sure of it. there is no more to life than your present. the past and the future are nonexistent entities in the mind.

i have always tried my hardest to let you know that i am here for you. i care, i am willing to listen. i would sacrifice anything to make you smile, to hold your hand and help transfer warmth to your body from mine, to share any part of me with you.

you do not value that. you do not want any part of me present anywhere.

i wish i could sign off of life indefinitely and deactivate myself, make myself unreachable by all things, distance myself so far from the closest familiarity that i forget what it feels like

disappointment. every try is an empty end.

. . .

listening to Godspeed You! Black Emperor these days. there are echoes and hollow spaces and secret corners and shimmery feedback and wailing twilight trains rolling down the line and empty grass fields with towers antennas lights and ruins

the world grows back over humans and only our hideous reflections remain

highways to nowhere

"Bleak, Uncertain, Beautiful..." (F# A# ∞) 8:20
"Gathering Storm" (Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven) 20:40

. . .

me, me, me, me they will lead far away from the country

laying in the golden field that exists in the back of my consciousness. my very own end of the world.

. . .

maybe in debussy there is the only beauty i have really found in this world.



whole tone and hexatonic scales. modes and their transpositions. interval patterns and scale collections. the universe contained in sprawling arrangements of notes and lines

String Quartet
Proses lyriques
Sarabande
La damoiselle élue
Préludes

Debussy existed before Debussy. It is an architecture which moves upside down in water, clouds which form and disperse, branches which slumber, rain on the leaves, plums which in falling kill themselves and bleed gold - everything that only murmured or stammered before a human voice came to give it expression. A thousand vague marvels at last found their interpreter.

- Jean Cocteau

. . .

going to keep climbing the mountain. will you be the sherpa to help guide me to the summit, to bear the burden of those things which i cannot bear alone? my pains, troubles, thoughts, whimsical ideas and desires. i imagine you following me from base camp onwards, sleeping beside me in the tent covered in your wools and furs, shielding me from blistering cold winds. your face is warm and shiny and red and i feel filled up the second i look at you. when i die, you will hold me and lay me to rest with care as if you were a child holding a baby lamb. you will guard my space in the ground forever, and i will be welcomed back by the dirt and earth which i loved so much in life

thank you for being the self i couldn't be alone

vide

b o r i s

at last

~

i saw them last night and had the time of my life. they played with such calm, but an unrestrainable energy broiled right underneath the surface of their massive and loud vibrating noise. i was filled with this energy and could feel it seeping through my veins as i watched, it was a spiritual experience fueled simply by sound. their amplifiers stood monolithic behind the ghostly silhouettes of their bodies tethered to the ground only by guitars and drums. multicolored smoke filled the dark room and obscured the details of reality, all i could see before me were three dark figures, blasting me onto other planes of existence with sounds that resonated through every cell i possess. i have never felt so swept up with emotion and energy in my life; all at once youthful and reckless, completely rebellious and ridiculous, as beautiful as the most ancient of wonders on earth and as open as the heart of that which is completely at peace. i left with the desire to go back night after night and be bathed, numbed in their reverberating waves of sound for eternity.

it was pretty amazing, let's just leave it at that.

~

at the drive-in: relationship of command



mamoru fujieda (藤枝守): patterns of plants



boris: everything





i'm sorry, but i don't trust you.
i'm sorry, but i have to go.

i turn 21 in a week oh jesus god please why everyone i used to care about is completely gone isn't it weird how so many people that used to be included in my life are now nowhere to be found as if they were wiped off the face of the earth why the fuck

~

i let my body accumulate goosebumps and i run my fingers over exposed flesh cold and hard but also soft and warm is anything really being accomplished outside of the time i am gathering in my arms and holding onto dearly, grudgingly, taking up my burden to bear because that is how life has explained itself to me. an impossibly long episode of gaining time, monotonous like the eerily perfect ticking of a clock eyes staring at me from a white wall, gazing fixed gaze soulless like the masses who surround me without my consent

~

you left me like you didn't leave all the others i am alone and you see me through perfectly clear glass and my condition is known to you. unsurprisingly time moves relentlessly onward and cells renew themselves fast and slow, ebb and flow, my body is not the same body you touched but you are the same shell i grope for in the night when the lights are off and i cannot find my way. your voice is permanently locked in a door always beyond my reach the echo of your last words ringing in a timeless loop i wish to make a song out of it and then smash it on the floor

~

i slide my fingers inside myself without desire but through necessity i find myself in a place that belongs to no one

~

the world is a fun fun fun slideshow in which i watch delicate fine tuned disasters occur anonymously from a dangerous distance

drunk off water

driving alone in the car quite often these days while listening to the greatest music this world has to offer, life is good. i'm seriously the happiest when i'm lost completely in music



so my absolute favorite album or thing in the entire world right now is this album:

LOWERCASE - kill the lights (1997)


i'm not even sure which track out of the six to share with you, each one is absolutely amazingly perfect. "slightly dazed" used to be my favorite but i think it's being overtaken by "neurasthenia" and "rare anger." i can't choose a favorite, but i will just share "slightly dazed" with you now because it is what got me hooked on this album.

"rock" music from a methodical and drone-y perspective, inspired by the likes of slint but poetically dissonant and discordant and immersive. intense. i can't think of any real comparisons. i was also obsessed with their 1999 album the going away present for a while, too, but i'm giving all of my attention nowadays to this one.

and my favorite track off of the going away present, "floodlit"

the lyrics are seriously amazing, ugh. the music fits the climactic moment so well. the chord progression might be "simple" but it's not even about being complex at all. there is a driving intensity and relentless energy that manifests itself, the lyrics and vocals only enhance this long drawn out cry of emotion or whatever. ;;

wouldn't I stand over the ocean
wouldn't I drown my soul
in the tide of your own tongue
and swallow you up whole
and the numbness that gripped me senseless
when I first tasted your kiss
has all but still remained
and it might rise slowly
but its always known that it overflows
and it subsides only when you let me go


so, more music that i've been absolutely loving lately.

SAETIA - a retrospective (2001)



this band has somehow completely eluded me for 20 long years, but no more. this album is a compilation of all their recorded songs plus some live tracks. it was also hard for me to choose my favorite song off of this to share, because there are a few i have to listen to in order or one after another because they just work that way. here are two tho

"the burden of reflecting"

"closed hands"

closed hands
open arms
hold nothing


MALADY - malady (2004)



this was the only album malady ever released, it's screamo/post-hardcore etc etc but i really enjoy it~ here's ONE of my favorite tracks off the album.

"heroine"

LIL UGLY MANE


"ethics" off of this

"Success is not a triumph but a necessity. Otherwise, what story would one have to tell? There's no mistaking it. You are only rewarded for the risks you are prepared to take. Once out of context, actions become indefinable. Any will power or ambition that is brought to bear is arbitrary. There are no external, urgent necessities to justify choices of profession, hobbies, or partners; no force or coercion to render life evident. Thus, everything must come from within."

+

and then for a completely random guilty pleasure of sorts... i really like this song, the beat, even the video. i dunno.



things to listen to:

- john fahey
- ryuichi sakamoto
- built to spill
- elodie
- actress
- dj skrew

et alors

lost gray pictures of my past stain greener pastures of my future

so i've been making lifestyle changes, guess i'm seeing improvement or feeling it rather

these are some weird days man i'm telling you what
it's like the height of summer and i've just been straight chillin
don't even notice time passing by
some days i get barely any sleep
some days i spend all day in bed
some days i never see the sun
some days i am covered in sweat and i never want to go inside
some days i feel lonely
but most days i make myself laugh and smile randomly

when i'm high i can't stop giggling
and then when i'm not high i still can't stop laughing thinking of what i laughed at while high
hard to explain
people's faces become hilarious parodies of themselves
the choice things people say become so goddamn funny to me
everything feels so surreal
and i can't tell if i'm the one in charge of my life or what

[]

wrote a song that i really really love. it was all recorded in one take and if i had the recording technology i would have expanded on it and made it longer or something. i was thinking of a certain person when making up the words but it's so dumb because they aren't even that same person anymore



V LISTEN TO THIS ALL DAY EVERY DAY, I'M SERIOUS V