rêverie

i live in

a cabin of isolation in my heart

away from gross leaderboards of who's prettier or cooler
or who has the curviest hips or the thinnest waist
the tightest pussy or the most symmetrical face
the most interesting the most informed
the most talented the most conformed

away from the destructive tendrils of a worthless, doomed culture

an empty bliss beyond this world

-

i want to cut off the part of me that uses and is used
the flesh
the skin that humans are so stupid and crazed about

if only the dumb animals could see that we are just dust and bones
underneath it all

¯\_( ツ)_/¯

i'm going to ganymede to create a new way of life for myself
there will be homemade music and vodka
who's coming

音楽

isao tomita - "daphnis et chloé suite" (ravel)



isao tomita is a japanese composer and arranger for electronic instruments. he has released arrangements of debussy préludes, ravel's orchestral works, mussorgsky's pictures at an exhibition, holst's planets, and many other things - space-related and classical music alike. this track is from the ravel album (1979), which contains various ravel pieces... this one is my favorite arrangement, i think. the first time i heard it i was literally dumbfounded, i mean, i couldn't move - i could only absorb the amazing beauty that was tomita. his artistic genius is only rivaled by the perfection of ravel and his ballet daphnis et chloé. you will be amazed at not only the beauty of ravel's music, but also the sheer ARTISTRY (i can't think of a different or better word) for what tomita presents us here. he must have spent so much fucking time figuring out how best to orchestrate the different instruments, using only a Moog analog synthesizer. there are sounds here you didn't even know existed, some of them sound kind of wacky, but i swear to god, it is the most lovely thing i have ever heard.

isao tomita - "footprints in the snow" (debussy)



here is a prélude from his debussy album, snowflakes are dancing (1974)
so soft

unwound - "disappoint" / "feeling$ real"



i started listening to unwounda whole lot recently, probably the entire past three months. i started out listening to only leaves turn inside you, which is a perfect album, but i eventually got their entire discography and went through it. i came across this album, their fourth or fifth full-length or something, the future of what (1995). i found it to be incredibly visceral and intense and surreal, i got fucking addicted. this track absolutely kills.

i never want to dive inside this heart of mine
having no idea
whatever happened to...

and then this track... words can't describe it's power. it's the last track on their first album (not self-released), fake train (1993). this entire album is SO. GOOD. seriously, listen to it NOW!!!!!! (if you have good taste, that is).

feelings real
they say we're not for real
WE'LL SHOW THEM HOW WE FEEEEEEEELL

suis la lune - "with wings of feathers & glue" / "one and all, every bit"



suis la lune is a post-hardcore/screamo band from Stockholm, Sweden. i know what you're thinking when you hear the word "screamo" but trust me, this is nothing like that. they are really seriously moving and their music is genuinely very good. the lyrics, the vocals (best screaming voice), the guitars and bass and drums and melodic lines and emotional content - it's so perfect for blasting in your car on maximum volume and drowning out everything else. this is the first track on their EP heir (2008). the whole release is only about 15 minutes long, but listening to it is like the best 15 minutes you could ever possibly spend.

this track might strike some as overly emotional or something, but it really spoke to me when i first heard it. the lyrics seem to have come from my own damn mind. it's the final track on their album riala (2013).

(edited)

first time i saw you,
my heart skipped a beat
first time i held your hand,
i shaked like a leaf

and for each day that goes we drift further
i think i'm losing what i used to be
i think i'm losing my personality
and for each day that goes we drift further
you should never see this side of me
i don't want you to see what i turned out to be

this is the last day i will look you in the eyes
tomorrow won't be the day you will see what i wished to be

i can still see you on the shore
i keep drifting further from you
and i watch you as i'm floating

dj rashad - "drank, kush, barz (feat. Spinn)"



R.I.P. rashad.
i think this track showcases his amazing skills quite well, plus it's hella catchy
let's dance
double cup (2013)

boris - "heavy rain"



here's a track from japanese noise rock band boris's newest album, noise (2014). i like it a lot, and the album's not bad either. i'm seeing them in august!

-

plus en plus

-

susumu yokota - grinning cat (2001)



i've been really into susumu yokota (横田進) lately. his album love or die as well as this one. he is really innovative and imaginative and makes the most beautiful things ever. i was listening to this album at work the other day and heard something, @24:21 yokota actually samples an excerpt from Ravel's piano piece "Oiseaux tristes" ("sad birds") from Miroirs as well as the "Minuet" from Sonatine. amazing how he utilized those beautiful few seconds to make something even more beautiful and interesting out of it :'3 god i love cool people

speaking of cool people, i've been hanging out with a few lately who really inspire me. it's so refreshing to have friends that will actually make me feel excited about life as opposed to doomed. it's also refreshing to not have school to worry about, to be secure and feel safe about at least one thing in my life - that i am doing pretty okay. having fun and going outside a satisfactory amount. one problem, though, is that i keep getting hurt by the same person instead of simply removing them from my life because i feel like i need them. looks like the obvious choice is to get rid of them, for better or for worse.

i try not to ever think about people from the past, they might as well be dead since they are no longer present in my life anymore ...

i can't force you to care, but i can force you out! bye!


For the Other Self Who is Far Away That I Can Not Reach  

✿

 

MORE RANDOM THINGS

- the caretaker
- teaching piano lessons

- going to the park and swinging kids on the merry-go-round

- playing simple piano pieces

- bach inventions, chopin waltzes, etudes and exercises from when i was a kid

- really old out of tune upright pianos

- ramen with green onions

- abandoned golf courses with really expensive green grass

- streetlamps

- driving alone at night

- singing along with Björk

- almond milk

- going to the pool

- late night chill techno

- sleeping all day

- construction sites

- crossing the road by myself

- driving in a 2014 bmw with my boss

- never actually writing the letters that i compose in my head

- short sleeve button up shirts

- tiny kittens that bite your fingers but it doesn't hurt it's only so cute you think you might die

- actually having a savings account with money in it

- re-connecting with old buddies

- getting introduced to new buddies

- la musique

mirror in mirror

"für alina" by arvo pärt is the landscape of my mind tonight. searching for an answer in simple steps, upwards and to both sides and in place. behind. in front. down. out. in. lower, higher, slower, faster, quieter louder soft graceful peaceful harsh meditative pensive unsure undoubtedly grateful proud broken whole

arrêt

the wrath of god

i am a vessel for words to hide in. i am ears to soak in all your stories, a bed for your tired soul to rest. where does my body go off to when i take yours in for the night, i wonder?

0

my eyes were closed not two seconds ago, and i was in your arms. i wish i had never opened them. you barely spoke to me, like i was the one imposing on your dream world, my existence too intricate or real for your brain to have created me. you hate how real i am, how much i yearn to feel and create and devour. it repulses you that i have even the capacity to desire you, to desire desire, that unending spiral of unfulfillment

1


a true love is there somewhere and i am excited for it and i think about it all the time and i desire it and i fantasize about it and i fill my dreams up with it and i want it now

//

miserere

In my dark hours, I have the certain feeling that everything outside this one thing has no meaning. The complex and many-faceted only confuses me, and I must search for unity. What is it, this one thing, and how do I find my way to it? Traces of this perfect thing appear in many guises - and everything that is unimportant falls away.

i mourn you

music that makes the soul ache. music that bursts through me like the most confrontational revelation of truth, leaving my physicality vulnerable and unable to withstand the force.

björk is the most beautiful lady i ever did see, i could just stare at her forever. but i also would love to spend a day with her just getting to know her and hear her speak about music and her passions and feelings. i want to experience a fraction of the brainwaves and heart pulses that blissfully persist inside of her

play dead

i feel like i'm about to discover something life-changing. i have felt like this for quite a while actually, and every day is a step closer to this giant event. every interaction that inspires me and every attempt at progressing within myself is energy being stored somewhere, by something, for some reason. at least that's what i tell myself.

what will happen once i have cracked the case and found what i have been searching for, a thing that i couldn't even describe in the most general details, a thing that surpasses my comprehensive abilities? it's impossible to say exactly, but the vast potential fills me with excitement and hope. i am not merely waiting and letting life wash over me in sheets of dull colors and sounds. waiting is for the defeated, the deaf and dumb, the weak.

n.b. this thing i am referring to has something to do with la musique

all of these WORDS

GOD DAMN IT

they will be the death of me

//

the older i get the more hopeless i find myself feeling. it's not a general throbbing hopelessness that comes and goes but rather a raw, constant, persistent ghost haunting the space behind and between every distraction. i don't mind it, it has sort of adopted the form of a shadow that follows me around in the sunlight. it needs to get some fresh air sometimes.

i'm not depressed, i just think very hard about things. i am always putting everything in my life in very precise perspective, considering options, weighing them, dwelling and musing, mentally wandering and harshly analyzing. free to roam eternally inside of this cage.

i need to get more sleep. i don't know why i torture myself by depriving my body of the best feeling known to humankind

\\

music;

that which exists inside of me and has always been with me

that which gives me life, breath, force, light, strength

manifesting itself in everything that i do, every thought i think

its existence is completely separate from the world in which i interact with people, where my emotions get the better of me, where i am bound by social constructs (ETCETERA);

and i love it. i genuinely adore my musical self. it is the most genuine part of me

?

::

some of the things i've been floating to lately

joanna newsom - "no provenance" (have one on me, 2010)



arthur russel - "being it" (world of echo, 1986)


  mica levi - "love" (under the skin OST, 2014)



asylum party - "sweetness... of pain" (borderline, 1989)



dj rashad (rip) - "i don't give a fuck" (i don't give a fuck EP, 2013)



salem - "trapdoor" (random shit idk)

-

it's weird that i don't feel anything anymore when i think of you. does it mean something has died, or has it just transformed and is now undetectable, hidden, buried? so much effort to get to this point and yet there is no applause, only a vast silence like a deserted pool. the bland elevator doors have opened at last and i'm stepping out into a new world. one could say it is vibrant and full of possibility. plenty of fish in the sea and all of that. i'm not really getting that vibe, however. i feel like i've trudged through an arctic wasteland, my limbs sore and raw and weak. i just want to lay down and gather strength from the elements. i don't desire the touch of anyone, or anything. i feel like some kinda graveyard. who will come trim the hedges around these dead remnants while i lay still, soaking up sunlight and gasping in huge breathfuls of air? when will this comical slideshow of you and your body finish its parade inside my head so i can go home to my bed?