R U Still In 2 It

this song perfectly encapsulates everything i feel/felt/have ever felt. it used to make me physically sick to hear. sensation has subsided, however. numbness ..



are you still into it? 'cause i'm still into it
we haven't had sore bits for about a fortnight
am i your only one? 'cause you're still my only one
but if you need more, i'll just do it and some, right

we should go into town and spend some money
we could go to the pictures and see something funny
we'd share a popcorn and we can go to the pub at night
we can get right tanked up and go home and have a fight

will you still miss me, when i'm gone?
is there love there, even when i'm wrong?
will you still kiss me, if you find out?
i will now leave you but don't follow me

we could go into town and spend some money
we could go to the pictures, go and see something funny
share a popcorn and when it's finished we could go to the pub at night
and get right pissed and go home and have a fight

will you miss me, when i'm gone?
is there love there, even when I'm wrong?
will you still kiss me, if you find out?
i will leave you and i will miss you

the sun is far away

reminds me of the first night we were together. driving in the dark along backroads out in the middle of nowhere. searching for a place to stay and give ourselves to each other. driving to find somewhere to eat at 3 in the morning. hot chocolate and pancakes. the feeling i'd get when you would leave and it would be weeks or months before i saw you again.

i am hurting. what i felt with you was more intense than any other feeling i've ever experienced, even more than the feeling of being alive. you made being alive feel worth it. even when i was sad i always knew there was something to look forward to in life. going out late at night to get ice cream or whatever. coming back home and knowing there is no one else on earth you need. best friends. i thought it would last forever.

hearing you tell me you don't love me anymore to my face, and watching you look at me and treat me like a stranger.. words can't describe that pain. you might as well have stabbed me in the heart you know? i honestly thought you would embrace me and tell me you missed me. delusional. i honestly thought that seeing me cry would make you feel something. it's like i am dead to you. a dead memory.

i am not dead though, i am violently alive and i know that my love was bigger than the entire universe. it was massive, a huge love. while i was with you i memorized your body, your smell, your voice, your habits, and kept all of those things precious and safe. i even drove 5 hours cross-country at risk to follow my heart's desires, twice. you can call me crazy, but what else is there in life if you can't sacrifice everything for something you believe in.

that love is not a weakness. it is not a fault of mine. being able to feel like that is the most beautiful thing life has given me, it's overwhelming and painful and everything.

you crushed it with every ounce of strength you had.

good bye

someone dies

i am home right now.
familiar four walls and lamp lights encircle me.
involuntarily pushing glasses up my nose.
my hair is wet and my eyes are tired.
listening to all of my favorite music.
struggling to be warm in the season of cold and ice and death.
i dream of talking dogs and long train rides.
staring out of windows for inordinate periods of time.
many letters gone unsent, unread, with no anticipating responses.
voices screaming in my head in unison but with different resonances and meanings.
beds that i do not desire to sleep in call to me.

a sleeping piglet with soft downy hair and gentle inhalations, its little pink body resting beside my head on the pillow, breathes with complete trust in me and the elements that it will wake up and it will be okay.

i want someone to look down on me with affection while i rest and i want their hand to flick the hair out of my eyes. i want a warm loving gesture to pull the blanket up around my shoulders in the depths of night. a watchful presence that cares unconditionally. a shadow of the desire in me that has been awoken but not reciprocated by anything else on earth. a shadow that has no shadow.

-


-

wants;

i want to live in a minimally decorated space and grow plants, raise puppies and babies, play music and read books and make food and fuck my brains out and study constellations and stare at a shiny metal box for hours at a time. i'll brush my teeth and comb my hair as my mind wanders, half awake and half asleep. actions this body knows it must undertake for the sake of their completion. the end goal is no longer in focus, if it ever was that is.

do you remember that first kiss. that first touch of hands and that first spark of feeling deep in your essence. a fire that is born out of pure longing. my lower abdomen melts and my fingertips glow. my lips are no longer my lips but the finely-tuned parts of a giant fleshy machine that aches and throbs, its programming requiring it to desperately try and fill its cavernous depths with warm glowing liquid. a heavy scent that arises only from a steaming bath somewhere in the darkness. exotic and sensual and deadly.

i even remember the feel of the sheets, the carpet, the hardwood floor, the mirrors i stared into countless times, the distant sounds of TVs and toilets flushing and reggae music and lungs coughing and snoring. hugging your arm while you drove us to a place, any place. the texture of your hair. the wrinkles of your hands. waiting in anticipation for you to come home to me. folding your clothes at the foot of the bed. the cracked tile shower walls and ancient wallpaper. the perfect warm darkness we slept beneath every night. hearing you breathe. why did i not try harder to experience that reality with every sense working at maximum potential. why did i glide so easily past you in my life that only painful and physical things now remain. why is there a you-shaped hole burning through me. a vacuum that surroundings melt around as if your body was completely invisible energy, sucking all life around it into a giant evil stomach.

did you even exist

-

Mogwai - "Take Me Somewhere Nice"


^ i've listened to this song countless times while driving, recently. it is really the perfect depressive music. sometimes pain is the only way to get through pain... i guess?

someone lives

LIFE OF ALLIE, CURRENT:

- the angelic process, we all die laughing, (+ discography)
- mogwai, everything (CODY <333, rock action, young team)
- rachmaninoff, various Études-tableaux
- mozart, piano sonata no. 13 (Gould)
- tchaikovsky's first piano concerto (currently learning)
- bach, goldberg variations (gould, 1955 recording)
- reading Norwegian Wood again! it is the only book that actually ever mattered to me. it has defined me in some ways. every character has a place in my life within someone i know, including myself (if that makes any sense).
- modern Japanese female haikus
- not wanting to be close to people
- walking on train tracks over bridges
- finding that i have a strange but very strong and powerful affinity for really tall radio towers (especially when i am in close proximity to them)
- giles corey s/t
- summoning, "long way to where no pathway goes" is the greatest song on earth
- people-watching for the sake of just studying their behaviors, fashion, patterns in appearances and such
- driving around randomly listening to really loud music and dancing at all the red lights
- having to sneeze all the time
- mochi

in pain

-

mundane things about the physical world
about your world
i want to share them with you
more than anything

 i want to watch the snow with you,
please

i want to take care of you...

you are no longer in my reach

永眠

I DON'T GET IT.



I DON'T LOVE.



listen as loud as you dare

there is not much in this world that i do not despise.

love is not a feeling.
what i thought i felt to be love was not love at all.

if there is an organ somewhere in my body responsible for the feeling of emotions i would like to destroy it as soon as possible.

i don't trust many people because their words and their faces betray the truth.

i seek only truth.

cloudy days do not exist to me.

-

i stare up at the glow stars i have placed on my ceiling and envision my own universe lying beyond those pinpricks of light. i imagine the constellations and how history shall create meaning for them. i imagine my face in the stars, my face made out of stars, my flesh and bones mere stardust. i see moonlight shining through my skin as translucent as if i were a giant window in space. i am a vessel for space to exist. i am a carrier of stardust sent to explore more of the universe. are you coming with me?

-
 

Coil - Dublin, City Hall, October 23, 2004

this is the final performance of COIL before jhonn balance died a few days later. 54:40 is the beginning of the song "going up" off of ape of naples. it is perhaps the most heartstoppingly beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life, this performance. that song perfectly encapsulates everything i feel COIL was about, or at least a majority of it. i can't stop listening to this song and "i don't get it" for i can't envision anything greater than these two things existing simultaneously in my head.

-



this is me singing a song to you.
**** ***.
-throws it on your doorstep and runs away to the other end of the universe-

i sincerely do not like most people. i do not like your personality, i do not want to know you. i do not want you to talk to me. what makes you think you can shove words in my ear? what divine right do you have to make me conscious of whatever you choose to say? what makes you think you can try to influence my mood or even my thoughts?

shut the fuck up and leave me alone

-

click to enter paradise

are you ready to go now?

aquarium-filtered light

i am obsessed, obsessed with this album:

4hero - Parallel Universe (1995)

lost in

and my favorite track off of it, "Follow Your Heart (pt. 2)"

i find it very fun and enjoyable and astounding to listen to. i would rather listen to it above most other things.

-

i recently watched a documentary on the pianist Glenn Gould in which his life is explained with great detail. i have come to realize him as one of the most important and greatest pianists this world has ever seen. i can't speak much for his recordings of other composers, but i find his bach works absolutely definitive. i enjoy his mozart renditions a whole lot too. they are so completely different from what one has become used  to, yet entirely better for it.

he was also so dreamy and magnetizing to watch.

the desert

my current favorite mozart of his being the sonata no. 12, k. 332, in f major. the first movement, an allegro, played rather detached but in a very charming way, and then the second movement, one of the most beautifully rich adagios i have ever heard in my life. gould gives it depth, character, and really embraces what at times seem like strange harmonies. all is not what it seems.



as for bach, i have shared a video earlier of the e major fugue in which it is quite possible bach achieved perfection. not just in the aesthetic sense, but when broken down into parts the piece seems to have simply no flaws. divinity at work through the hands who composed it and the genius who now performs it. i can't get over how each line is given roundness, meaning, just by how it is conceived and executed musically. the notes themselves hold nothing particularly special, they really don't. their arrangement, their resurrection from the page, the auditory transformation from a lifeless staff to very physical sensations, moving lines and voices that attract your ear, pull at you from far-off places, stop your heart for a moment; these are things that only the highest evolution of human can achieve. these are things that can be replaced by nothing else in the universe.

here is gould playing the ending of the first movement to bach's keyboard concerto no. 1 in d minor, BWV 1052. i find the part at 1:10 to be rather lovely, intimate.



sometimes you have to wonder, what does it all mean?

soaked in

i recently started reading raymond chandler's first novel, the big sleep. i haven't seen the film yet in its entirety, but i will probably wait until i'm though with the book. so far i find it incredible and rich. it reminds me a lot of the murakami books i used to love; i am pretty sure he was even influenced by chandler's hard-boiled detective motif. there are great similarities between writing styles, too; very straight to the point, lots of talk of alcohol, the male characters being brutally honest, cynical yet not entirely heartless, while the female characters remain very peculiar and sometimes insanely annoying. i really hope most girls aren't as flimsy as they are portrayed.

wet dreams

also really super super loving this track by burial and massive attack, "four walls." her voice reminds me of the girl from elysian fields, very sensual and mystical. the fuzzy textures overlaying the beat seem to take precedence here, as opposed to what one might be more familiar with in burial's output.


-

i wonder if i am at any stage in my life to which i could attribute a season, a time of day, or anything symbolic like that. i suppose that in a chronological sense at 20 i would be considered in the summer, or in the mid afternoon when the sun is highest in the sky. everything is rising to its fullest potential and blooming and exploding and moaning with raw desire for newness and sensation. i get it. but did the desire for everything i can possibly withhold in my body originate from within me, or am i soaking in what is merely expected of me?

i want to hang out with myself and do things. i feel like i understand myself pretty well and would be able to have fun. but at the same time, i think a lot of the things i do are for the person i am with. what fun is it when there isn't anyone to show off to, right? grrrrrr

i do want everything, it is true. and i feel like i can have anything. i do not feel limited, or at least to the extent i did in the past. there are so many possibilities, it feels like i am constantly squinting because the force of the sun's rays are overpowering my senses... i do not walk blindly but with some obscuring factors in my path. i do not resent these however, for perfect clarity does not strike me as possible or even human. who can claim that there is nothing hidden from them? perhaps it is best not to care, but to just move forward, stumble a little, without rest.

who can afford that?

dear diary, i must take risks -
i must not be afraid of failure.what do i need to give up?
crystalline ladders, shiny things, mirror-balls…

i just found a review that i used to love from years ago. it completely blew my mind. the review is of coil's moon's milk EPs.