雨

so it's been raining a lot.

i always like rain but there have lately been fewer raging thunderstorms than i would like - the kind where the air is positively electric, and the sky is both dark and light, and one hides in a warm, well-lit place to watch tiny rushing rivers form in the grass and puddles well into pots of dirt.

no, these rains have been light and unceasing. gentle mists with varying pulses of intensity scattered across fields. my favorite part of rain in this season is what it does to the colors. already brilliant, flashes of new greens, yellows, pinks take on their fullest hue as they reach adulthood by feasting on sunlight. and the rain melts together these petals and leaves, budding shoots and tattered bark strips - a palette for the eyes to paint with.

i'm not the first to notice this phenomenon - it is well known that rainy days make for wonderful photographs, swirling inspiration for paintings. being a central shadowy figure both in and outside of this saturated landscape is quite a beloved experience for me. walking among the mossy, sodden ground, a light spring in each step - the great roaring stillness of the vast earthy surface is overlaid with a curtain of raindrops, faintly drumming. even the sonic landscape mixes the sounds differently - variables no longer dry and lain next to each other with their sharp edges, the air is a-hum with our shared experience of water and the nesting inside of wetness.

i encountered these beings whilst walking through the wet painting and as ever when i encounter wild life we sort of sized each other up from a distance with what felt like gentleness, an urgent curiosity. we passed by each other without much of a fuss but these moments always stretch the boundaries of time for me.

i think i'm always subconsciously looking for these moments, as they feel more close to whatever alive is supposed to mean  than does my normal state. of course, i am always alive - and it is wonderful to be breathing, to have a mind, etc... but then there is being alive, where you are even more aware than usual of this quality of having a consciousness, and it's an electric feeling. like the node in which you reside on the infinite fabric of reality shows itself to you, makes itself known, and you get a glimpse at a little bit more of what this experience really might be...

a shared experience of the elements with each other, with the other, with yourself.

'tis pretty neat.

雨

with the global pandemic going on i encounter many less people when i go out. trudging through what feel like ruins i am always awash with thoughts on the beingness of the structure which surrounds me, and i think i've had enough. the enjoyment of conjecture has its limits and i must say i have long since reached them.

this much is absolutely true - that i will be miserable if i try to measure myself by anyone else's parameters. 

it is said that the concept of self (and concept of concepts, too, really) is a source of suffering, but i have yet to figure out how to transcend an experience of self and reach pure experience. it is said that having a mind hurts a little bit, and that meditation is a way to sort of neutralize the pain of consciousness by sitting with it and accepting it. these are things that i have yet to sort through fully but i want to keep meditating on them until i come to my own understanding.

ciao~

 雨

cat power - "say" (moon pix, 1998)

joanna brouk - "going through the veil - becoming a swan" (hearing music, 2016)



caroline polachek - "ocean of tears" (pang, 2019)



modest mouse - "gravity rides everything" (the moon & antarctica, 2000)



HTRK - venus in leo, 2019

spring is here!

(sort of...)

the mountain winter keeps stopping and starting up again, but somehow a smattering of tiny purple crocuses have still sprouted up all around the garden. i never planted them, and didn't see them there last year... but they are incredibly gorgeous. little fans of purple petals with yellow centers and pale green shoots, and when the flowers are not yet spread open they look like sleeping babies.

 

☾

my external world has been relatively silent lately. speaking, singing, or expressing myself out loud has been minimal, but my internal world is just as vibrant as ever, for better or for worse.

so, what's been having the most immediate and wonderful effect on my mood so far?

it'll sound cheesy, maybe, but it's yoga.

"the purpose of Yoga is to connect the individual energy with the universal energy, or put another way, to connect the individual being to its source – the Supreme Being."

in the naming, appreciating, and strengthening of every muscle in my body i have been releasing so much that was kept stored and hidden in the recesses of my body. this discovery was not immediate - at first i was just following directions and copying the way the poses looked on other people, and am still known to do that on occasion. the more i stopped looking around myself, however, the more i found my focus shift inward and i am now able to tap into vast reserves of strength and intelligence and that i didn't even know i had.

it goes something like this:

you come to the mat completely clogged with thought and emotion debris. sleeping through the night has helped filter your subconscious to some degree but with every waking moment you are still collecting and absorbing new information, whether or not you realize it. you are thinking about a million other things all at once and it sometimes feels like you might drown at any moment. you center yourself on the mat, fully equipped with the intention to give your best to this time.

whether i'm doing it alone or in a class it usually starts the same - there is the awakening each part of the body, checking in with the spaces we hold inside ourselves, and then the flow begins, through yang-centric poses first and then yin, with plenty of room to rest in between. at the end it feels like you've gone on a journey within your body and you emerge completely filled with gratitude for your body.

☾

i've been noticing a profound difference in myself over the past few years. aging does happen slowly, imperceptibly, but it always happens suddenly, the shift into a new awareness of life and myself. an awareness that includes looking back at what i was.

i just got back from spain, visiting a friend there. i keep telling people, believing myself to be oh so clever, that traveling hasn't quite set me free from answer-seeking just yet; nothing achingly grandiose and hidden from me has been revealed