verlies

i'm about to go home right now. i am in the library and i just spent a little bit of time looking through my old posts on here. i am listening to Stravinsky's Elegy for solo viola.

so much has changed. everything is always changing, and in my world i am changing the most. the way i see my parents, my friends, myself. i am forgetting essential beautiful things in return for newness and unfamiliarity and i'm not sure if i like it.

it is autumn and the leaves are finally changing their colors and falling onto the ground. i walk to school nearly every morning crunching all the leaves beneath my feet and it is one of the great joys of my life. i have only several articles of clothing that i wear to simplify everything. i try to clear my mind and my life from all that is unnecessary. i love laying on the floor listening to music through the dream machine. drifting away and blocking out all sound that i do not wish to hear. blah blah blah

i started playing some video games (nothing serious) but it really really doesn't come naturally to me. i have started drinking wine occasionally, but i don't really have a preference for white or red. it all tastes quite bad to me honestly. except this one new zealand wine i had that is called massimo i think and it tasted like the most exotic beautiful fruits in the world. i tried pho for the first time and it was pretty glorious. i play tennis and soccer and go on long walks and enjoy the beautiful town i live in. i try to call my parents frequently and tell them i am thinking about them.

i have one really amazing professor who has probably taught me the most in her little weekly 30-minute lessons out of any teacher i have ever had in my life. she knows exactly what is needed, what i need to give, and articulates it very clearly. for next week i have to learn perfectly an artsong by Strauss and be able to explain to her why i am making the artistic decisions i am with the shapes, the phrases. she wants me to prove to her that i can be an artist with any piece of music, that i can be inspired from the very beginning to create beauty with my work and my body. i become disconnected too easily and she can sense that.

/

exclusive limited listening

slint - spiderland
unwound - leaves turn inside you
lowercase - discography
aspidistrafly - a little fable
at the drive-in - relationship of command
la dispute - somewhere at the bottom of the river ...

listening on repeat during long bus rides

american football - "stay home"




béla bartók - four dirges, op. 9a



fishmans - long season



dmitri kabalevsky - cello concerto no. 1, II

morning sun rays

i have started to realize something :

HUMAN NATURE

IS

EVERYTHING

i am human, everyone is human, and we behave according to our desperate attempts to make life tolerable and meaningful. we would be cripplingly confused, otherwise. i want to be so angry at people for hurting me, for making me feel small. i want to be so angry at myself for disappointing myself on a regular basis, failing to do what i set out to do, making consistent mistakes, avoiding things out of fear. i cannot let myself. it would be utterly meaningless. those who have hurt me are no greater than i, no more enlightened, in the end ... so why villify them. we would all make the same mistakes and do the same terrible things but also wonderful things in a million different circumstances. we can only be alive for the unfolding of one historical line but there are infinite potential histories, decisions, thoughts that could influence centuries of progress down the road. i must allow for the mistakes of human nature, the blunders and the victories, the little ones too, of myself and those around me. i must accept myself, my actions. i am only me and this only LIFE, whatever that is. a long continuous process of growth, expansion, etc.

i want to forgive, ultimately

rain words

i want to make french toast for myself, coffee, berries and cheese and butter. place the simple objects on a simple placemat at a simple table on a porch. a porch that overlooks a landscape of the most basic earth design. grass, trees, sky. green green blue. some clouds, a little sunlight, a gentle breeze.

and animals.

birds of every color going about their unimaginable business, wanting to be left alone. their life cycles and behaviors are a complete mystery to me. little bugs living a life five thousand times smaller than me. i am the giant that haunts their dreams.

the taste of my food is similar to that of cardboard, with some sugar on top. closing my eyes i am reminded of all the places i have eaten this very same food before, in completely different lifetimes. my mind wanders.

i am wearing the most fundamental garments of humanity; shirt, shorts, socks, sneakers. all of an easily forgettable color. my hair and skin blend with each other, indistinguishable from one another. my eyes are slits in skin through which i am able to imbibe the world.

sounds and sounds and sounds fill my ears, holes in the side of my head that act as the miraculous entrances to a fleshy inner world. sounds as luxurious as silk, fine and grainy as sand, soft and bubbly like soap or gentle and sensual as rain drops on fine skin surface, warm and woolen like mittens, cold and icy as snow branches, sharp and piercing as broken glass, rough as a cat's tongue, hot as the candle with which i burned myself as a child. i dance to all of these sounds, these sensations, these beautiful feelings for which i am eternally indebted the world.

blue and goldyellow and hot orange and meadow green and flowers of pink and white and translucent non-colors, see-through satin buds and silver auras around embryos that tickle your eyelashes. dandelions and snowflakes mingle in summerwinter and the newfound firewater burns pleasure within me. this is the world. these mountains and hills and forests and oceans and rocks and blades of grass, dark sticky mud that absorbs all, white sand that invites me to it's depths until i suffocate and die.

.

no, you do not die.

you can never die.

you were always dead.

death is life and life is death.

the world cares not for this very human distinction

i don't know what

life is anymore. a cycle of loss and losing, people coming and going, loving me then destroying me then disappearing. i didn't want to look at this photograph but now i am, and it is all rushing back to me. i love my family, everyone who was with me from the very beginning and is still there. we are all going through this together, falling off cliffs and then trying to rebuild.

how cruel