vide

b o r i s

at last

~

i saw them last night and had the time of my life. they played with such calm, but an unrestrainable energy broiled right underneath the surface of their massive and loud vibrating noise. i was filled with this energy and could feel it seeping through my veins as i watched, it was a spiritual experience fueled simply by sound. their amplifiers stood monolithic behind the ghostly silhouettes of their bodies tethered to the ground only by guitars and drums. multicolored smoke filled the dark room and obscured the details of reality, all i could see before me were three dark figures, blasting me onto other planes of existence with sounds that resonated through every cell i possess. i have never felt so swept up with emotion and energy in my life; all at once youthful and reckless, completely rebellious and ridiculous, as beautiful as the most ancient of wonders on earth and as open as the heart of that which is completely at peace. i left with the desire to go back night after night and be bathed, numbed in their reverberating waves of sound for eternity.

it was pretty amazing, let's just leave it at that.

~

at the drive-in: relationship of command



mamoru fujieda (藤枝守): patterns of plants



boris: everything





i'm sorry, but i don't trust you.
i'm sorry, but i have to go.

i turn 21 in a week oh jesus god please why everyone i used to care about is completely gone isn't it weird how so many people that used to be included in my life are now nowhere to be found as if they were wiped off the face of the earth why the fuck

~

i let my body accumulate goosebumps and i run my fingers over exposed flesh cold and hard but also soft and warm is anything really being accomplished outside of the time i am gathering in my arms and holding onto dearly, grudgingly, taking up my burden to bear because that is how life has explained itself to me. an impossibly long episode of gaining time, monotonous like the eerily perfect ticking of a clock eyes staring at me from a white wall, gazing fixed gaze soulless like the masses who surround me without my consent

~

you left me like you didn't leave all the others i am alone and you see me through perfectly clear glass and my condition is known to you. unsurprisingly time moves relentlessly onward and cells renew themselves fast and slow, ebb and flow, my body is not the same body you touched but you are the same shell i grope for in the night when the lights are off and i cannot find my way. your voice is permanently locked in a door always beyond my reach the echo of your last words ringing in a timeless loop i wish to make a song out of it and then smash it on the floor

~

i slide my fingers inside myself without desire but through necessity i find myself in a place that belongs to no one

~

the world is a fun fun fun slideshow in which i watch delicate fine tuned disasters occur anonymously from a dangerous distance

drunk off water

driving alone in the car quite often these days while listening to the greatest music this world has to offer, life is good. i'm seriously the happiest when i'm lost completely in music



so my absolute favorite album or thing in the entire world right now is this album:

LOWERCASE - kill the lights (1997)


i'm not even sure which track out of the six to share with you, each one is absolutely amazingly perfect. "slightly dazed" used to be my favorite but i think it's being overtaken by "neurasthenia" and "rare anger." i can't choose a favorite, but i will just share "slightly dazed" with you now because it is what got me hooked on this album.

"rock" music from a methodical and drone-y perspective, inspired by the likes of slint but poetically dissonant and discordant and immersive. intense. i can't think of any real comparisons. i was also obsessed with their 1999 album the going away present for a while, too, but i'm giving all of my attention nowadays to this one.

and my favorite track off of the going away present, "floodlit"

the lyrics are seriously amazing, ugh. the music fits the climactic moment so well. the chord progression might be "simple" but it's not even about being complex at all. there is a driving intensity and relentless energy that manifests itself, the lyrics and vocals only enhance this long drawn out cry of emotion or whatever. ;;

wouldn't I stand over the ocean
wouldn't I drown my soul
in the tide of your own tongue
and swallow you up whole
and the numbness that gripped me senseless
when I first tasted your kiss
has all but still remained
and it might rise slowly
but its always known that it overflows
and it subsides only when you let me go


so, more music that i've been absolutely loving lately.

SAETIA - a retrospective (2001)



this band has somehow completely eluded me for 20 long years, but no more. this album is a compilation of all their recorded songs plus some live tracks. it was also hard for me to choose my favorite song off of this to share, because there are a few i have to listen to in order or one after another because they just work that way. here are two tho

"the burden of reflecting"

"closed hands"

closed hands
open arms
hold nothing


MALADY - malady (2004)



this was the only album malady ever released, it's screamo/post-hardcore etc etc but i really enjoy it~ here's ONE of my favorite tracks off the album.

"heroine"

LIL UGLY MANE


"ethics" off of this

"Success is not a triumph but a necessity. Otherwise, what story would one have to tell? There's no mistaking it. You are only rewarded for the risks you are prepared to take. Once out of context, actions become indefinable. Any will power or ambition that is brought to bear is arbitrary. There are no external, urgent necessities to justify choices of profession, hobbies, or partners; no force or coercion to render life evident. Thus, everything must come from within."

+

and then for a completely random guilty pleasure of sorts... i really like this song, the beat, even the video. i dunno.



things to listen to:

- john fahey
- ryuichi sakamoto
- built to spill
- elodie
- actress
- dj skrew

et alors

lost gray pictures of my past stain greener pastures of my future

so i've been making lifestyle changes, guess i'm seeing improvement or feeling it rather

these are some weird days man i'm telling you what
it's like the height of summer and i've just been straight chillin
don't even notice time passing by
some days i get barely any sleep
some days i spend all day in bed
some days i never see the sun
some days i am covered in sweat and i never want to go inside
some days i feel lonely
but most days i make myself laugh and smile randomly

when i'm high i can't stop giggling
and then when i'm not high i still can't stop laughing thinking of what i laughed at while high
hard to explain
people's faces become hilarious parodies of themselves
the choice things people say become so goddamn funny to me
everything feels so surreal
and i can't tell if i'm the one in charge of my life or what

[]

wrote a song that i really really love. it was all recorded in one take and if i had the recording technology i would have expanded on it and made it longer or something. i was thinking of a certain person when making up the words but it's so dumb because they aren't even that same person anymore



V LISTEN TO THIS ALL DAY EVERY DAY, I'M SERIOUS V

rêverie

i live in

a cabin of isolation in my heart

away from gross leaderboards of who's prettier or cooler
or who has the curviest hips or the thinnest waist
the tightest pussy or the most symmetrical face
the most interesting the most informed
the most talented the most conformed

away from the destructive tendrils of a worthless, doomed culture

an empty bliss beyond this world

-

i want to cut off the part of me that uses and is used
the flesh
the skin that humans are so stupid and crazed about

if only the dumb animals could see that we are just dust and bones
underneath it all

¯\_( ツ)_/¯

i'm going to ganymede to create a new way of life for myself
there will be homemade music and vodka
who's coming

音楽

isao tomita - "daphnis et chloé suite" (ravel)



isao tomita is a japanese composer and arranger for electronic instruments. he has released arrangements of debussy préludes, ravel's orchestral works, mussorgsky's pictures at an exhibition, holst's planets, and many other things - space-related and classical music alike. this track is from the ravel album (1979), which contains various ravel pieces... this one is my favorite arrangement, i think. the first time i heard it i was literally dumbfounded, i mean, i couldn't move - i could only absorb the amazing beauty that was tomita. his artistic genius is only rivaled by the perfection of ravel and his ballet daphnis et chloé. you will be amazed at not only the beauty of ravel's music, but also the sheer ARTISTRY (i can't think of a different or better word) for what tomita presents us here. he must have spent so much fucking time figuring out how best to orchestrate the different instruments, using only a Moog analog synthesizer. there are sounds here you didn't even know existed, some of them sound kind of wacky, but i swear to god, it is the most lovely thing i have ever heard.

isao tomita - "footprints in the snow" (debussy)



here is a prélude from his debussy album, snowflakes are dancing (1974)
so soft

unwound - "disappoint" / "feeling$ real"



i started listening to unwounda whole lot recently, probably the entire past three months. i started out listening to only leaves turn inside you, which is a perfect album, but i eventually got their entire discography and went through it. i came across this album, their fourth or fifth full-length or something, the future of what (1995). i found it to be incredibly visceral and intense and surreal, i got fucking addicted. this track absolutely kills.

i never want to dive inside this heart of mine
having no idea
whatever happened to...

and then this track... words can't describe it's power. it's the last track on their first album (not self-released), fake train (1993). this entire album is SO. GOOD. seriously, listen to it NOW!!!!!! (if you have good taste, that is).

feelings real
they say we're not for real
WE'LL SHOW THEM HOW WE FEEEEEEEELL

suis la lune - "with wings of feathers & glue" / "one and all, every bit"



suis la lune is a post-hardcore/screamo band from Stockholm, Sweden. i know what you're thinking when you hear the word "screamo" but trust me, this is nothing like that. they are really seriously moving and their music is genuinely very good. the lyrics, the vocals (best screaming voice), the guitars and bass and drums and melodic lines and emotional content - it's so perfect for blasting in your car on maximum volume and drowning out everything else. this is the first track on their EP heir (2008). the whole release is only about 15 minutes long, but listening to it is like the best 15 minutes you could ever possibly spend.

this track might strike some as overly emotional or something, but it really spoke to me when i first heard it. the lyrics seem to have come from my own damn mind. it's the final track on their album riala (2013).

(edited)

first time i saw you,
my heart skipped a beat
first time i held your hand,
i shaked like a leaf

and for each day that goes we drift further
i think i'm losing what i used to be
i think i'm losing my personality
and for each day that goes we drift further
you should never see this side of me
i don't want you to see what i turned out to be

this is the last day i will look you in the eyes
tomorrow won't be the day you will see what i wished to be

i can still see you on the shore
i keep drifting further from you
and i watch you as i'm floating

dj rashad - "drank, kush, barz (feat. Spinn)"



R.I.P. rashad.
i think this track showcases his amazing skills quite well, plus it's hella catchy
let's dance
double cup (2013)

boris - "heavy rain"



here's a track from japanese noise rock band boris's newest album, noise (2014). i like it a lot, and the album's not bad either. i'm seeing them in august!

-

plus en plus

-

susumu yokota - grinning cat (2001)



i've been really into susumu yokota (横田進) lately. his album love or die as well as this one. he is really innovative and imaginative and makes the most beautiful things ever. i was listening to this album at work the other day and heard something, @24:21 yokota actually samples an excerpt from Ravel's piano piece "Oiseaux tristes" ("sad birds") from Miroirs as well as the "Minuet" from Sonatine. amazing how he utilized those beautiful few seconds to make something even more beautiful and interesting out of it :'3 god i love cool people

speaking of cool people, i've been hanging out with a few lately who really inspire me. it's so refreshing to have friends that will actually make me feel excited about life as opposed to doomed. it's also refreshing to not have school to worry about, to be secure and feel safe about at least one thing in my life - that i am doing pretty okay. having fun and going outside a satisfactory amount. one problem, though, is that i keep getting hurt by the same person instead of simply removing them from my life because i feel like i need them. looks like the obvious choice is to get rid of them, for better or for worse.

i try not to ever think about people from the past, they might as well be dead since they are no longer present in my life anymore ...

i can't force you to care, but i can force you out! bye!


For the Other Self Who is Far Away That I Can Not Reach  

✿

 

MORE RANDOM THINGS

- the caretaker
- teaching piano lessons

- going to the park and swinging kids on the merry-go-round

- playing simple piano pieces

- bach inventions, chopin waltzes, etudes and exercises from when i was a kid

- really old out of tune upright pianos

- ramen with green onions

- abandoned golf courses with really expensive green grass

- streetlamps

- driving alone at night

- singing along with Björk

- almond milk

- going to the pool

- late night chill techno

- sleeping all day

- construction sites

- crossing the road by myself

- driving in a 2014 bmw with my boss

- never actually writing the letters that i compose in my head

- short sleeve button up shirts

- tiny kittens that bite your fingers but it doesn't hurt it's only so cute you think you might die

- actually having a savings account with money in it

- re-connecting with old buddies

- getting introduced to new buddies

- la musique