the raw sun

musically i am in a void filled with the great warm Nothing.
warm like a pile of dried leaves which we crush,
or perhaps the fluff from an out-turned childhood pillow.

i wake up in the middle of the night just after my soul is sucked through my skin -
i open a window and a crackling fire of ice enters my lungs.

exhaling smoke.

🌕

       __

with tenderness i go finding and seeking

finding less than sought

seeking more than found;

days filled with fiery sunshine

strange hurt i knew

that made

me seek the burning sunlight

rather than the shade

in months of snowy winter

when cozy houses hold, i'd break down doors

to wander naked in the cold

(paraphrased, langston hughes)

egon schiele, house with bell tower, 1912

🌕

                                   __

i

acknowledge my temporality
rest my head
look into animal eyes
touch my skin
remember the soul

speak a word

revert to purposeful

purposeless
-ness

🌕

UZEDA - "right seeds"
4, 1995

italian noise rock

incredible female vocals

 

RACHMANINOFF - piano sonata no. 2, op. 36

zoltán kocsis, 1994 

one of the greatest russian works performed

by one of the greatest hungarian pianists

r.i.p. 

 

DUSTER - "constellations"

stratosphere, 1998

LIGETI - études, book 3: no. 16. pour irina

 fredrik ullén, 1998

 

🌕

                              __

you'll find rain better

than shelter from the rain

the breakthrough has arrived.

i was waiting for it - just as i was waiting for the moon to appear on my horizon. tonight i have seen it, a crescent suspended in a pale purple blue.

with the great rains a new clarity has been achieved in me; as i trudge through rushing rivers of run-off in the streets, as i make my way through the city on paths of wet, deep mud, my step quickens. my heart feels entirely awake. my eyes are truly open. i see what is around me; i feel what i am.

FINALLY.

all i can say is finally, finally, finally!, and:

thank you. thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

,

the only thing that makes sense, the only mindset or attitude, is humility.

i cannot conceive of living this life with anything else in the heart.

the respect and gratitude i speak of is in no way related to morals, ethics, or religious codes. it is not human-made; it could never be.

i speak of the respect that is made manifest in the rushing rivers and the winds which blow through the trees, over mountain tops, the respect which is woven in the very fabric of this Universe. humility is written in the very DNA of Nature, however cruel or ruthless.

with each breath i want to acknowledge the beauty of all i am able to see and all that i am unable to see - that unending realm of mystery which underlies our every thought and experience, those worlds which lie beyond and beneath and inside each particle of matter.

/

what am i even talking about?

i just feel happy. i feel something that isn't happiness, it's more and so much more than even that. with each thought i want you to double the meaning, with each emotion intensify it threefold - extend the possibilities beyond the possible, deeper than the depths, higher than the highest height.

i no longer want to simply accept.

i can CREATE.

i can BUILD.

i am not powerless.

i never was.

quiet, wind, birds

good morning, afternoon, evening, and night!

it is good to contemplate both being and nonbeing,
it is good to both be and not be.

the mind of no-mind.

.

with the increasing amount of literature i am reading on all matter of disciplines (though i am in no way reaching a plateau of any sort), the more it becomes apparent to me - in an obnoxiously obvious way - that everything

is

everything.

... first, let me be more specific:

if one perceives that there is a separation between that which we individually alone are and that which lies outside of ourselves, one is only half correct. the entire tapestry of what we are experiencing, with all its layers, already exists in some way as every system in the universe; the natural rhythm and pattern of all life is continually recreating and imitating itself at every level of existence, at all times.

the patterns are rhythmically the same, though they may undergo either reconfiguration (disassembly, re-ordering, transformation, transposition) or merely elaboration of the One larger pattern, or both. this overarching structure of existence can be defined, in part, as that rhythm of all that is contained within the One that consists of and exists outside of all.

we are both stationary and moving. every structure and every system which acts on or is created out of these structures is both tangible and ephemeral. there are probably various philosophical ways to speak about this, as there is certainly the metaphysical and spiritual terminology, but my insight today comes from the teachings of zen buddhism as interpreted by sunryu suzuki.

(by the way, there is a free .pdf of this book, which is one of the greatest things i have ever read in my life, here.)

this is not mine, nor can it ever be yours. it is of the universe.

.

i am just starting to really get into ligeti's études, but there is so much material here. 18 works in total, composed over 16 years. i was gifted the first book of them by a friend, and am currently learning the fourth - fanfares - which appears to be one of the "easier" ones in the book:



of course, none of them are just simply easy - my entire body and mind must work overtime to pull off exactly what is being asked of me in the piece - and as i am still piecing it together (ha....), i can hardly play with perfect accuracy even at a dramatically-reduced tempo (see below).