i've been listening to big thief almost incessantly ;
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| dragon new warm mountain i believe in you, 2021 |
it has everything - the aching wail of loneliness, mundanity, silliness so characteristic of their lyrics; the sheer breadth of musical styles traversed effortlessly; the sense of looking out over vast beauty combined with the intimate quiet known only to your bedroom.
the big quiet.
the big ponder, rumination, gander, wonder at the big question - what is this life?
another new draft open, another attempt at-
...
who knew it would become so hard to mumble the words out. who knew i would do everything and anything in my power to not look at what was staring me right in the face; to not engage with the very depth of this life i've been given and instead busy myself with the fraying threads at the edges of its fabric, the insignificant details.
these outer reaches are no doubt important, too, but they do little to absolve one of wonder, of yearning.
there is a yearning in all of us - in me it is insatiable.
and for what?
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| samantha muljat - towards mt. shasta |
one must at some point in one's life distinguish the finitude among the infinitude; differentiate the chaff from the eternal and thus pay homage to that which is impermanent and that which is not. depending on one's outlook the two can become very interwoven and interchangeable indeed.
taking a closer look-
i. the insignificant, the falling away, the just-passing-through:
- our bodies
- our thoughts
- worries
- perceptions
- models of the universe
- beliefs about "who we are"
- emotions/beliefs
- our relationships
- our accomplishments
- careers
- goals
- failures
ii. the eternal and unchanging:
- our souls
- God
- Nature
- Creator
- One
- Order
- Chaos
- whatever you wish to call it
- our karmic predicaments
- with us during each life
- work that is to be done
- love, in the end
- regenerative
- not possessive i.e. caught up in the aforementioned thought forms
- unconditional i.e. not requiring anything in return
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| samantha muljat - rainbow |
i seem to be constantly sifting through my current state of affairs to find what is important, what lasts, what demands my attention. letting fall away what does not serve me, which more often than not are totally fabricated preconceived beliefs about what life is supposed to look like or be or offer to the one living it, i.e. me. i'm so done with these repetitive thought patterns that chip away at me until there is nothing left.
one question i do have - where does time go, out of these two categories? is it a belief of ours, is it an unchanging constant of the universe, does it exist outside of us? similarly, is suffering an unchanging constant, is it indivisible from life? i believe that suffering exists because time exists - as beings caught in time we inevitably experience suffering because our bodies fall away, we experience loss of everything we ever knew or loved, and conversely we experience the preciousness of love because time takes everything away. a world in which there is no suffering would also be a world in which there is no love, gratitude, appreciation, forgiveness. so i suppose suffering and time therefore are unchanging constants, just as love is... they do not go away no matter how high you get + how much you meditate + how much money/power you accumulate.
so, then.
failure as an emotional state is a result of incorrect, ineffective thinking.
we are taught as children to reach up and high and as far as we could ever want, and if that wasn't the prevailing story during your childhood it was for someone else.
maybe this line of teaching is not as helpful in the achieving of goals as our elders may have desired.
they say that failure is absolutely necessary for success, but what if success is absolutely necessary for failure, and one could perhaps do away with both at once?
having a dream for one's life is indeed valuable, and in some cases that only thing one lives for, but i'm not sure if i've had the most enriching experience being eternally unsatisfied with my accomplishments for the sake of success.
oftentimes the goal for one's life was planted in them before they could really think for themselves.
a part of me has stopped yearning too high, too far, and maybe this is seen as unfortunate.
i don't think it is.
there are things one is meant for and things one is not; for example, i am never going to be a high diver. i have a terrible fear of heights and i can imagine the only way i'd ever get to any degree of far in that sport is if i had a taskmaster drilling me day in and out for years-
... not likely.
without someone driving you in a particular direction from a very early age it's easy as an adult to land in space among the stars but with no particular constellation to join.
i had piano lessons growing up and was told i'd go far with it, so i kept with the practice and the repetition and my soul actually enjoyed it very much. i did it for me, and grew to spurn the competitive and hierarchical nature of some parts of the piano world. in a sense, then, the reason i didn't actively seek out the most difficult and most demanding music school or program or teachers was because my soul knew it would take all of the spirit out of my practice. i was sure i didn't want that, as i didn't understand what people were even reaching towards with that sort of training. aesthetic perfection? worldly success?
it didn't catch my eye.
and as the years have marched by, stoically across plains and deserts and great thick forests, i've been thrust ever further into the furthest reaches of space as so many tenets from childhood and youth fall away one by one.
after so much of fitting all of your self into the mold, adjusting, adapting, slogging, performing, there must be a moment of collapse.
now is the moment where i become as still and silent as i can be, and listen out for a voice or song or prayer or plea that is my own but has been buried deep in the strata of time.
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| masao yamamoto |
i want to be like the reed, not the rod - flexible and able to attain a sense of peace and groundedness in any moment, situation, location, etc.
that, to me, is attainable enlightenment in this life.
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| harald sohlberg - summer night |
clinging to conditions leads to suffering.
conditions in order to be happy,
conditions in order to go to heaven,
conditions in order to make money,
conditions in order to love -
this leads to a false world.
