me being boring

here is a video of me walking up to a piano at the last piano recital i played in. notice how short it is. i don't think i can share the actual piano part of it because i hate to watch myself play in front of people. but i was playing a liszt piece, and my legs were shaking really badly. i could hardly move a muscle in my face (which is to say, little to no breathing...), or for that matter any other muscles in my body apart from those in my arms, hands, fingers. is that how it's supposed to be? i don't really mind, the only way i will ever be in that situation again is if i am forced to.

another note: currently learning Shostakovich's Piano Concerto No. 1 because it is so incredibly beautiful. the second movement of that is literally a work of the gods.

here is a video of my first piano recital, ever. also notice how boring the song is, and how i am just so glad to be done with it. why couldn't i have learned something a little classier? would it have hurt my teacher to push some mozart into my face earlier on? i can't stand his stuff now, and i have no doubt it is because of her. i'm struck by the weird way everyone clapped at the end, as if the final note signaled to the guy who controls all our brains to trigger everyone's hands to come together, forced like a dumb moment caught in a dumb photograph. why didn't i smile? what was going through my head - relief, sadness, maybe a dark void? what do quiet young girls who just finish piano recitals think of? i played this in a church with my super christian teacher and all of her little perfect piano-playing children and their proud parents. i was just a nervous, shy little girl who had no idea what the point of anything was. i guess. just moving along without any say. hopefully that's changed a bit by now.

i will never enjoy performing. i will never like showing off what i've learned, what i've attained, what i've accomplished. i will never be a pianist, in the truest sense of the word, because i have redefined the word in my mind to mean someone who plays the piano. not well, not for fun, not for money, not for fame. just someone who plays the instrument. and that's all i am.

everything has become whole

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